Testing 1,2

So I downloaded a blogging app for my itouch because it hates blogging for some reason...Hopefully this works better than safari...



So yeah that's about it. Was this the coolest blog post ever? At least there was a little Carmen right?
<3

Same Sex in the City

I really like books that are compilations of short stories or essays. I like them even more when they are about lesbians. If they include a coming out story I award bonus points! One of my favorite sorts of books is Same Sex in the City: (So Your Prince Charming is Really a Cinderella) by Lauren Levin and Lauren Blitzer. (Amazon.com link)


It's not really a work of literary genius but it's funny and it's real. It's several chapters that have some advice from the two authors (Lauren & Lauren) and several short essays/interviews that fit with the theme of the chapter. Chapters include topics like passionate friendships, coming out, first time sex, and the intensity between two women. The book had a LOT of stories that I could relate to.

My favorite chapter was probably Passionate Friendships. Idk if anyone in the real life refers to them as passionate friendships (overly close/intense friendships that aren't really sexual but are much more like a relationship than a friendship, often had between a gay girl and a straight girl before one of them figures out that she's gay). I'd never really heard anyone talk about friendships like this, and I had a really intense passionate friendship with one of my friends. When I was coming out this was in my "evidence of lesbianhood" category and mostly people just thought it was strange and abnormal. Apparently lots of other people have had very similar situations...and well it made me feel a little less alone.

The thing I disliked most about the book was the sort of "hey hott popular pretty girls can be lesbians too" vibe that it had... I think that most people are aware that lesbians come in all shapes/sizes/degrees of femininity.

Anyways...if you're coming out or have a love for reading books of essays about girls who like girls, you should give it a try. Bonus points for the fun title.
<3

My interview is over!

In case I haven't mentioned it twice already (My interview is in 3 hours, Big Brother Big Sisters Interview) I had my BBBS interview today.

I was feeling a little nervous about it this morning. Mostly because my house was a mess.

I got home and cleaned my house. In the middle of that my ex, Matt, started texting me. Somehow we got on the subject of BBBS and he said that he knew the guy who was helping run it and he's a big conservative. He gave a lot of unsolicited advice about hiding my sexuality. I politely explained that I have no desire to volunteer with a group that discriminates against lesbians. I also explained their nondiscrimination policy.

Regardless of my stand on the situation, I got a little worried about it. I've never really had anyone openly be rude to me because of my gayness and I wasn't really sure how I'd feel about it. I got my house cleaned. I sat on the couch.

All of my worrying was for nothing! The interview went really well!

Come to find out, the girl, Jessica, who did my interview is a lesbian. I saw her take inventory of the little things around my house that would indicate that I'm gay but there was no judgment. Then we got to the questionnaire. She was REALLY gender neutral about asking if I was in a relationship and how my "significant other" would feel about me being in BBBS.

Then at the end of the sheet was a final question: What is your sexuality? I was just like, um I'm a lesbian. She laughed and was like, "Yeah I saw The L Word dvds. Don't worry, I'm family. . ." This for some reason confused me, but thankfully she clarified for me that she was a lesbian.

And then we chatted about our big gay lives and the rest of the application process...and everything was great and probably I'll have a little in the next month or so!
<3

My interview is in 3 hours!

So my big brothers big sisters (BBBS) interview is really soon! I'm feeling a little nervous. Also I have a lot of stuff to do still. The house needs picked up, the dishes washed, and I don't even know what I'm going to wear!

Deep breath right? That will help.

Oh and a list and some music. Everything will be ok!
<3

Boobs

I, Cassie, would like to declare my love affair with boobs.

They might be the best thing about being a lesbian. Every day you wake up, and right next to you are boobs. Well assuming you have a gf (or wife, fuck buddy, whatev) who is sleeping in your bed.

Boobs are soft. They look nice. They feel good against your skin in any of the bazillion ways they can be pressed against you. They're fun to play with. You can put your face in them. They also have nipples. Those are fun.

I feel a little sorry for straight girls and gay boys. They don't really have any boobs to play with. I don't really think they know what they are missing (for the most part) but still. Boobs are a big win!

My gardening adventure

A week or so ago, Kara and I headed to Home Depot with a gift card we got for Christmas and got most of the stuff we needed to start our garden. We're doing a little container garden on our very tiny patio.

Monday after I got off work, I got hit by a wave of motivation and decided to get started planting stuff! Then I decided to take a bunch of pictures, and well here they are.

First I got everything planted. There are strawberry transplants in the hanging basket (that's on the ground for now due to wind!), the yellow pot is cilantro, and the tan pot is spinach.


I started peppers indoors. We LOVE peppers and eat a lot of them, so this is the most important one for us. Peppers, however, need a warm climate to grow...so for now they are in the hot water heater closet. Pardon the junk!



I've started projects like this before, and let's just say I'm a little forgetful. I start off all gung ho but then everything falls apart. Follow through is not my strong point. So I decided to make a lot of little notes to remind me to water them.


Apparently this one seems a little naughty. I guess the word garden on the bathroom mirror reminds Kara of lady garden? Lol, I'm sure our visitors will love it.


I also made a couple notes about the light in the closet...


Then I made lists of the growing requirements and stuff for all the vegetables I'm growing. Referencing seed packets/books the entire time would make me annoyed. This way it's all in one spot.

At the end, I was left with a mess....but hey, that's to be expected!


Hopefully soon I'll have pictures of my little seedlings to share.
<3

Hottness of the Week: Blake Lively

I love Blake Lively. I think she was first brought to my attention in the first Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie. Specifically the soccer camp scenes. Granted, she looks a little young, but I was 17 or 18 when the movie came out...

Currently she is starring in the CW series Gossip Girl.

She also looks good on the red carpet!

And the beach...

And in this white micro dress...
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Salt

We rented the movie Salt the other night.

Amazon.com description: What begins as a childish prank quickly devolves into protracted murder. When the true nature of an abusive husband's twisted extra-marital relationship is revealed to his all too innocent wife, she then begins to have an affair with his sister. Together, the two women plot the ultimate revenge, and the stage is set for sexual manipulation, violence and terror.



From the description on the back of the case, it seemed like it was going to have some hott lesbian sex and a decent plot.

WRONG.

No lesbian sex. There was one kissing scene that was really intense and hott but no sex. There were some funny lesbian related jokes.

The plot was really confusing and weird. Maybe I'm just not intellectual enough or something, but mostly it was just really disjointed and I'm still not sure what happened at the end.

I would not recommend this movie....unless you'd like to watch 83 confusing minutes just to see a 30 second kissing scene.

What is it with gay girls and purses?

Well? A lot of gay girls hate to say the word purse. They don't carry a purse.


Messenger bag? Yes
Tote? Yes
Bag? Yes
Purse? No!

I know there are exceptions and more femmey girls are more likely to say purse, but I know a few lesbians who regularly wear skirts but refuse to say purse.

"It's NOT a purse!!! It's a bag!"

What gives?
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Spring is Here!

I just looked at the weather report. It's supposed to stay in the 60's for the rest of the extended forecast. There are even a few days in the 70's and 80's soon. Spring has arrived.

Spring takes the honorary position of my favorite season! When it starts getting warm all kinds of great things happen.

First, it's the open of my unofficial drinking season. St. Patty's Day through mid October is the time of year I indulge the most in alcohol. BBQ's, pool parties, the occasional sporting event: all great reasons to relax with a drink.

My other favorite thing about spring is tank tops. I love girls in tank tops! Boobs. Shoulders. Arms. Breasts. Waists. Collarbones. Did I mention boobs? I really like looking at girls in tank tops...and wearing them.

Why do you love Spring?
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Girl Crazy

I am girl crazy. I'll be the first to admit it. Everywhere I go I see hott girls. I flirt all the time (to various degrees).

Sometimes Kara gets a little worried about it. I guess it's understandable but she really has nothing to worry about. I love her. I want her and only her.

So what's the harm of looking?

She doesn't want our mutual friends thinking I am not committed to her or that I'm looking for a new gf or something like that. I would assume they all know that. I talk about her all the time! Kara, Kara, Kara.

What do you think? Is there any harm in looking?

<3

Hottness of the Week: Eliza Dushku

I have only recently discovered Eliza Dushku, the star of the new show Dollhouse on Fox. She was also in a lot of other stuff including Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Tru Calling. Needless to say I missed those...

What do you think?

I'm a fan of her arms.

And mouth....

<3

Shane burned down Wax????

Ok...so I just watched the latest interrogation tape on the Showtime website. In case you missed it, they are posting one every Monday until everyone's tape is up.

This week was Shane's video! The gist of the shocking part of the conversation:

Shane: I think I knew everything about her. (talking about Jenny)
Cop: Did she know everything about you?
Shane: What's the statute of limitations on arson?
Cop: 1 year
Shane: That's not very long
Shane: About 18 months ago I burned down my business.

WHATTTTTTTTTT!!! I thought Paige burned down Wax? When did Shane have time for that? She is such an emotional cutter sometimes. Wow wow wow.

Thoughts?
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St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my and Kara's first kiss!

I went out for St. Patrick's Day and needed a ride. Kara, the charming gal she is, picked me up. Then we drove around and ended up making out.

Win!

<3

Help! The Midwest is ruining my gaydar!

Wouldn't it be nice if you had a real life gaydar gun?


Usually when you're trying to figure out if a girl is gay, you look at a few things.

• clothes
• hair
• fingernails
• accessories
• presence of any rainbow gear
• general look/demeanor

The problem is, in the midwest this is not always so effective and it's really negatively affecting the development of my gaydar. Don't get me wrong, my gaydar isn't that bad but it could use some work.

Anyways, the problem is the midwest. I've decided. Soccer moms (or softball moms, or basketball moms, etc....because soccer isn't that popular in this particular area) look a lot like lesbians. You know the type I'm talking about. Short hair. Northface pullover. Tennis shoes/hiking boots. Most often seen at a sporting even. Usually this would be a pretty good indicator. Unfortunately this is how the soccer mom crowd dresses here too. They all have these really dikey haircuts and clothes...and are always seen with a gaggle of equally dikey looking women, but then their kids coming running up to hug them and ask where dad is. Failure.

Then you see some really butchy woman in carpenter jeans, boots, and a flannel shirt. Gruff voice. Sort of like Weezie (the carpenter doing the remodel in Season 6 of the L Word). Really exactly like her. She breaks the gaydar gun! Then her husband walks in and there is a five minute embrace and a talk about cattle.

What gives? What's a baby lezzie to do? How am I ever supposed to tune my gaydar when everywhere I turn, straight women are regularly dressing like gay women? Help!
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Changing friendships

My friend Jennifer posted a lengthy post on her blog about me and how our friendship has changed since I came out. Quote from her post...

I feel like.. I am sad that she is a lesbian, kind of. I love you Dazzle. I am sad because.. I feel like you are different now. You have a whole lot of different thoughts and you're part of a different community and you talk about it and I feel like I don't really have a lot of interest and you are gay.. So you are in on all the gay people things. Like you're a stereotypical gay person now or you're trying to be and it's weird because thats not you as I know you? Hmm. It is strange to me because.. I know you and you're pretty legit awesome and I don't feel like you should have to struggle to fit in with that community.. Or feel less about yourself because you're not just like them? (I don't know, that's just the sense I get.) You should be who you are. You were the cosmo reading, sex loving chick that's always rocking the amazing hair. You can still be that girl while also being the starbucks working, lesbian in a long-term relationship who is afraid of graduating from college.

It's really weird hearing all of those things from her. I think part of it is that we didn't talk very much between the May and December, and during that time I changed a lot and she sort of missed it.

A lot of our friendship involved talking about sex (with men). That's sort of how it started. When I was dating men, I talked a lot about sex with them. I am a very sexual person and I just couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy it more...so I overcompensated and talked about sex all the time. I could probably write a book about sex and relationships with men. Maybe that's really weird. I'm not sure.

So now I think she feels like we have less to talk about. To an extent that's true. She doesn't have much interest or need to know about lesbian sex. It's not really the kind of sex she has so she can't really file it away into her sex info/advice folder. But I still know everything I used to know about having sex with men. I can still give really solid advice about relationships. I'm still available for all of those conversations we had before.

Also I think there are a couple of things that she just doesn't really understand. Frankly, I think it's a big McWaste of time to read Cosmopolitan if you aren't having sex with men. The whole magazine is 50,000 different ways to please his penis. Which doesn't really apply so much to my life...

Idk. I am still me. I'm still the same. But also I'm different.

I feel like coming out is like High School...or at least a little like it. In high school, you sort of define who you are, who you want to be, what's important to you. You do a lot of dreaming and planning and hoping. You find role models and try to emulate them. And that's kind of how coming out feels to me. Like I'm trying to figure out all over again who I am and who I want to be. My whole self perception just keeps changing and well...it's a process.

I guess I just never really expected my friendships to change, but if the things I do and think about change so much, then that's bound to carry over into everything else, including friendships.

<3

Family on Facebook???

A few days ago, my Aunt whom I haven't seen since I was nine added me to Facebook. I barely know here or much about her family, yet immediately I sort of panicked. She's going to know that I'm gay.


Things going through my head: Why do I even care? Like I said, I don't even know the lady. Still, she's related to me and I don't know her very well. I want her to have a good impression of me. Should I message her and say, hey btw I'm gay. No. Stupid. Obviously she'll just read it on my profile. Is she going to hate me? Why do I care again? She's from Utah. Do people in Utah like gay people? Why would her living in Utah having anything to do with her opinion of my gayness. Why do I even care?

After I stopped being drama, I realized that she is an adult and if she's not able to deal with my being gay, then I don't really want to make friends with her anyways. Then there's the part where I had no relationship with her before, so it's not like I would experience a loss of any kind. Everything is going to be fine. Hopefully she's going to be fine with it and I'll get to know more about a side of my family that I don't really associate with much.

Final thought: If any of my other relatives join facebook, I have resolved not to freak out about it or go to any extreme measures to hide my gayness from them. This is who I am. It's not going to change. Most of them will find out eventually.

<3

I want a tattoo

I was just reading this post on Card Carrying Lesbian about tattoos.

I have been having a LOT of tattoo lust lately. I just really want a tattoo.

Things I'm considering:

• A white tattoo. I really want a white tattoo at some point, probably a word or phrase on my wrist. I know that this was sort of made popular by Lindsay Lohan (gross) but I think it looks really cool. Check out the white ink tattoo flikr group...and then you will want one too!
• A rainbow tattoo. Because I'm a big gaymo and I just want one. I'm not specifically sure of a shape or something...but I don't really think I just want a plain rainbow.
  
• Stars. Overdone? Yes. Really mainstream? Yes. Still I kind of want a star tattoo. Maybe on the back of my neck?
• <3>

Random side note. For awhile I was really obsessed with the idea of having my nipples tattooed (and the area around them somewhat) so that they looked star shaped. I saw this on Suicide Girls once (I know, the site is shit and treats the models badly, but I didn't know that then) and it looked really amazing. At first I thought they were pasties or something but no, they were definitely tattoos. Since then I've calmed down about the idea mostly because I'm afraid of the pain that might cause. Also I want to breastfeed someday and I'm not sure how safe that is.

<3

Big Brothers Big Sisters Interview

Lately I've been feeling the need to give back to the community and do some volunteer work.

In high school I did a lunch buddy type program called Youth Friends (YF). Basically you eat lunch once a week with an elementary student who needs a mentor for some reason. I loved it. My YF lived with her gay dad and his bf. In a town as small as the one I grew up in it's pretty unheard of but she was pretty well adjusted considering the shit she took on a regular basis. Anyways I had a really good experience and really got a lot out of it (including a dvd player in a raffle that I still use lol).

A month or so ago I filled out a really long application for Big Brothers Big Sisters (BBBS). Then the girl who works there told me about how they do a home visit. I live with my gf and this is Missouri. I got really worried that I was going to be rejected because I am gay. So I fired up my laptop and googled BBBS. Then I found links to lots of homophobes having a fit about their policy of not discriminating against people based on sexual orientation. Win!

So BBBS likes the gays. I am thrilled. My interview and home visit will probably happen in the next couple of weeks.

Only there's one thing...how do I bring this up? I am not generally a fan of just blurting out "hi I'm gay" to relative strangers but from the website I gathered that the kids parents
can opt out of letting their kids have a mentor that is gay. So how are they supposed to know? I am not at all interested in spending several hours a month with a kid that I need to hide my sexuality from.

Also do I need to "de-gay" my house? There's a rainbow flag on the fridge and a few other things. Mostly I'm going to go with no. Obviously I will make sure the alcohol is put away and the erotica is out of sight but I don't think hiding who I am so I can do volunteer work is for me.

I just need to stop worrying about this...I'm sure everything will be fine.
<3

Hottness of the Week: Sarah Shahi

In honor of the last episode ever of The L Word this week's hottness is none other than Sarah Shahi, also known as Carmen on the show.

Oh Carmen, you had me at hello in those red underwear!

Hottest sex scene in the entire show.

My detachable showerhead is named after Carmen...and this is why.

Lust.

Frustration over not coming out sooner

I was 20 years old when I came out. I realize that lots of people come out much later in life than me and it's getting more common every day. I know that I wasn't really that old, but I just feel a little frustrated sometimes that I didn't come out sooner, not even to myself.

I just lived for 20 years without knowing who I really am. In high school people were suspicious that I was a lesbian. I didn't date. I wasn't very interested in boys. I had lots of very close friendships with other girls. My family was concerned. I mostly just thought that people were trying to start rumors (I grew up in a very small town) and ignored them all. I never gave it much thought.

As early as the beginning of high school, the majority of my sexual fantasies involved women. 95% of my sexual dreams involved women. Later in both of my relationships with men I told them that I was interested in having sex with women. I thought it was normal. Curiosity.

I don't know if I was in denial or what but it really just never occurred to me that I could be gay. I knew a small handful of gay people, mostly men. I was friends with the two gay boys at my school. I certainly had nothing against people who were gay.

Maybe I just couldn't deal with it. I had a lot of things going on in high school including an eating disorder and a really chaotic home life. I kept myself really busy, immersed myself in activities.

Even in college I didn't really think much of it. Once I tried to have sex with a friend when I was drunk but rejection happened and I just wrote it off as drunk college life. I was in a 2 year relationship with a guy that I didn't really love or even like that much...not to mention was not at all sexually attracted to.

Idk...I just feel like I should have known sooner, like I should have known myself better than that.

<3

My Dad..

So...my dad just texted me "hey what's your schedule on Sunday? let's have lunch." Ugh. I know, he's my father, I love him...and I should want to have free food with him on Sunday after I get off work....BUT he drives me nuts.

Mostly I just feel like he's really uncomfortable with my sexuality and it's this big elephant in the room every time we're together. My coming out conversation with him was more than a little uncomfortable.

Me: Um so there's something I should tell you.
Dad: Shoot.
Me: Well, I'm a lesbian...and mostly I wasn't going to tell you about it until I was in a really serious relationship and you needed to know about it, but apparently Robbie (brother) has been running around spouting off things like, "Everyone thinks Cassie's so perfect but she's a LESBIAN!" I just didn't want you to find out like that, because well that's pretty shitty. And anyways, yeah...now you know.
Dad: Well, it's your life and I can't really tell you what to do with it.
Me: Yeah...I guess so. I dunno I just didn't want you to hear from someone else if that makes any sense.
Dad: I won't hold it against you.
Me: Cool...anyways I'm dating a girl that I work with and I'm happy.
Dad: I see.

Basically after that I steered the conversation away from the subject and we really haven't discussed it since (almost a year ago). He's met Kara. It was one of the most awkward things ever. He was polite but didn't really say anything.

On the handful of occasions where I've seen my dad and Kara was with me, he has completely ignored her but in a sort of non-confrontational way. Also when I mention her in conversation he pretends it never happens.

I guess this post is mostly just to vent about the way he acts about it. Mostly it's just ignored so I don't really have any idea how he feels about it. For all I know he may think that it was just a phase that I've already outgrown??? I'm assuming not since I have mentioned Kara a few times and once he went to her store and asked her if she knew where I was.

*sigh*

Parents can be so fun...

<3

What is it with gay girls and hand touching?

Hand touching is such a lesbian thing to do. Think about it. How many times have you flirted with a girl and subtly brushed your fingertips across hers? How many times has that cute girl at Starbucks let her fingers linger on yours as she hands you your coffee? What about the intense interlocking of hands before making out with your new girlfriend? You know, with the little power struggle that ends up with someone pressed against the wall?

Hand touching is one of the most discreet ways to flirt with another woman. If your gaydar has failed you (or you like flirting with straight girls...and hey, who doesn't?) then your "victim" is unlikely to think much of it. If she even notices then she'll probably assume it's an accident. And if she does notice, well chances are it's because in the past she's done a little hand touching herself. Throw in a little eye contact, a smile, a wink, whatever it is that you do, and you should be able to make your point. If you've never heard of this you should try it. Specifically if you work in an industry where you would hand something to someone (money, food, clothing) or you can find a way to pick up something that your crush has dropped.

Bonus: Guys don't know about this. I don't know if they missed the memo or if it's just too creepy to have some random guy touch your hand but the only man who has ever touched my hand in a flirtatious manner was some weird salesman...

<3

Why are men still buying me drinks?

When I was confused and still thought I was straight, guys bought me drinks. I get it. I was putting off some straight girl vibes at a bar and they thought they could get laid. So they would have some cheesy pickup line and offer to buy me a drink. I was not so much interested in sleeping with them, but like any good alcoholic I spouted off my drink of choice (Jack and diet coke at the time) and enjoyed.

Imagine my surprise when a guy bought drinks for Kara (gf), Alanna (friend), and I at the local gay bar the other night. About halfway through the night we made friends with a gay boy named Richard. He was sort of a pretentious ass but he kept buying us drinks so it was something I could overlook.

A week or so later Nate, a gay boy who works with me, bought drinks for several people at a birthday dinner I was at, Kara and I included.

Confused face.

I've been friends with lots of gay boys and never did a single one of them ever offer to buy me a drink when I was "straight". So do gay boys only buy drinks for lesbians? Were these special circumstances? Twice in one month...I just find it a little odd. Men who have absolutely no chance of getting laid and don't even want to have sex with me are buying me alcohol.

I guess I just need to accept that they were being nice people? Or perhaps that they were trying to impress someone else? Or feel a part of my group?

Whatev. I'm not complaining.

<3

Roommates

Roommates. The term drives me crazy.

I know in some circles "roommate" is code word for girlfriend/partner/lady lover who lives with you. I know that when you are trying to introduce your live in girlfriend to your great grandma (who you are not out to) it's easier to say roommate. I know that sometimes when people don't know what to say or feel uncomfortable saying girlfriend/lover/wife/etc they just say roommate.

I know. I get it. I understand the need. I've used the term before myself (the grandma scenario). Still it drives me insane!

It irritates me most when people are uncomfortable and don't know how to classify our relationship out loud. It just makes me feel awkward and weird and dirty.

Maybe I am asking for to much from people. Maybe I should just get over it. Maybe not.

<3

Hottness of the Week: Pink

Pink is hott. This particular photo makes me wish she were gay. Well really any photo, but especially this one...

Seriously. Sooo fucking hott!

Also, in case you missed it, she makes out with and grinds against herself in her latest music video, Sober. It's about the middle of the song if you find yourself wanting to fast forward through the video like I do. It starts about 2:20 if you are really impatient.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPhBiddzWjc

And one last pic just because!
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