Saturday, March 14, 2009

Changing friendships

My friend Jennifer posted a lengthy post on her blog about me and how our friendship has changed since I came out. Quote from her post...

I feel like.. I am sad that she is a lesbian, kind of. I love you Dazzle. I am sad because.. I feel like you are different now. You have a whole lot of different thoughts and you're part of a different community and you talk about it and I feel like I don't really have a lot of interest and you are gay.. So you are in on all the gay people things. Like you're a stereotypical gay person now or you're trying to be and it's weird because thats not you as I know you? Hmm. It is strange to me because.. I know you and you're pretty legit awesome and I don't feel like you should have to struggle to fit in with that community.. Or feel less about yourself because you're not just like them? (I don't know, that's just the sense I get.) You should be who you are. You were the cosmo reading, sex loving chick that's always rocking the amazing hair. You can still be that girl while also being the starbucks working, lesbian in a long-term relationship who is afraid of graduating from college.
It's really weird hearing all of those things from her. I think part of it is that we didn't talk very much between the May and December, and during that time I changed a lot and she sort of missed it.

A lot of our friendship involved talking about sex (with men). That's sort of how it started. When I was dating men, I talked a lot about sex with them. I am a very sexual person and I just couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy it I overcompensated and talked about sex all the time. I could probably write a book about sex and relationships with men. Maybe that's really weird. I'm not sure.

So now I think she feels like we have less to talk about. To an extent that's true. She doesn't have much interest or need to know about lesbian sex. It's not really the kind of sex she has so she can't really file it away into her sex info/advice folder. But I still know everything I used to know about having sex with men. I can still give really solid advice about relationships. I'm still available for all of those conversations we had before.

Also I think there are a couple of things that she just doesn't really understand. Frankly, I think it's a big McWaste of time to read Cosmopolitan if you aren't having sex with men. The whole magazine is 50,000 different ways to please his penis. Which doesn't really apply so much to my life...

Idk. I am still me. I'm still the same. But also I'm different.

I feel like coming out is like High School...or at least a little like it. In high school, you sort of define who you are, who you want to be, what's important to you. You do a lot of dreaming and planning and hoping. You find role models and try to emulate them. And that's kind of how coming out feels to me. Like I'm trying to figure out all over again who I am and who I want to be. My whole self perception just keeps changing and's a process.

I guess I just never really expected my friendships to change, but if the things I do and think about change so much, then that's bound to carry over into everything else, including friendships.



  1. Don't sweat it Kandazzle!!! Just continue being yourself and she'll eventually come around to liking you for your whole self...for who you really are and always will be, whether that's hetero, homo, bi, or omnisexual. It doesn't matter...all that matters is how you are on the inside; your soul not who you are innately attracted to. If she does not and cannot fully accept your entire being as a package deal, she wasn't your 'real' friend to begin with. It may take her some time and that's normal. So, hang in there and don't give up on your friendship unless she does.

    Stay encouraged and be blessed!


  2. I feel like I may have miscommunicated the situation! Jenn doesn't have ANY problems with me being gay. She's totally fine with it. We are still bff, and all that. Mostly she was just talking about how I'm different now...idk.

    Idk. Also she texted me today saying she doesn't consider our friendship changed at all so I think I've also misunderstood her a little?

    Communication fail.

  3. Oh, I see! Well, there's still a certain level of comfort that I think she still may have to deal with within herself as it relates to your 'change'. As long as she says that there's no problem that she has with you or the friendship, then flow with it. I'm sure your friendship, if genuine will be A-ok! Good luck to you both and may your friendship continue to progress in a positive direction.


  4. lol..

    friendship good, lesbianism awesome. definitely accept you for who you are. i want you to accept you for who YOU are, and i dont want you to feel that you need to change yourself to fit into the lesbian stereotype. to come out as a lesbian takes a great deal of.. acceptance. of yourself. take that and run with it. you are who you are and you don't need to change yourself to fit in

  5. kind of like, you can be a lesbian and still be an individual.