Saturday, March 7, 2009

Frustration over not coming out sooner

I was 20 years old when I came out. I realize that lots of people come out much later in life than me and it's getting more common every day. I know that I wasn't really that old, but I just feel a little frustrated sometimes that I didn't come out sooner, not even to myself.

I just lived for 20 years without knowing who I really am. In high school people were suspicious that I was a lesbian. I didn't date. I wasn't very interested in boys. I had lots of very close friendships with other girls. My family was concerned. I mostly just thought that people were trying to start rumors (I grew up in a very small town) and ignored them all. I never gave it much thought.

As early as the beginning of high school, the majority of my sexual fantasies involved women. 95% of my sexual dreams involved women. Later in both of my relationships with men I told them that I was interested in having sex with women. I thought it was normal. Curiosity.

I don't know if I was in denial or what but it really just never occurred to me that I could be gay. I knew a small handful of gay people, mostly men. I was friends with the two gay boys at my school. I certainly had nothing against people who were gay.

Maybe I just couldn't deal with it. I had a lot of things going on in high school including an eating disorder and a really chaotic home life. I kept myself really busy, immersed myself in activities.

Even in college I didn't really think much of it. Once I tried to have sex with a friend when I was drunk but rejection happened and I just wrote it off as drunk college life. I was in a 2 year relationship with a guy that I didn't really love or even like that much...not to mention was not at all sexually attracted to.

Idk...I just feel like I should have known sooner, like I should have known myself better than that.



  1. It's never too late to come out. I came out as a bisexual when I was 19, then as a lesbian when I was 20. Coming from a semi-strict Christian home didn't make matters any easier, but I mustered up every bit of courage and strength that I had in me and the love of my partner and did what needed to be done. It's never easy, but you do what you gotta do. Keep telling your story because it could help other young people just coming out. Good luck to you on your journey.