Frustration over not coming out sooner

I was 20 years old when I came out. I realize that lots of people come out much later in life than me and it's getting more common every day. I know that I wasn't really that old, but I just feel a little frustrated sometimes that I didn't come out sooner, not even to myself.

I just lived for 20 years without knowing who I really am. In high school people were suspicious that I was a lesbian. I didn't date. I wasn't very interested in boys. I had lots of very close friendships with other girls. My family was concerned. I mostly just thought that people were trying to start rumors (I grew up in a very small town) and ignored them all. I never gave it much thought.

As early as the beginning of high school, the majority of my sexual fantasies involved women. 95% of my sexual dreams involved women. Later in both of my relationships with men I told them that I was interested in having sex with women. I thought it was normal. Curiosity.

I don't know if I was in denial or what but it really just never occurred to me that I could be gay. I knew a small handful of gay people, mostly men. I was friends with the two gay boys at my school. I certainly had nothing against people who were gay.

Maybe I just couldn't deal with it. I had a lot of things going on in high school including an eating disorder and a really chaotic home life. I kept myself really busy, immersed myself in activities.

Even in college I didn't really think much of it. Once I tried to have sex with a friend when I was drunk but rejection happened and I just wrote it off as drunk college life. I was in a 2 year relationship with a guy that I didn't really love or even like that much...not to mention was not at all sexually attracted to.

Idk...I just feel like I should have known sooner, like I should have known myself better than that.

<3