So I finally came out to Karly

Last week Karly and I were hanging out, doing our Big Brothers Big Sisters thing. We'd been to the mall, had lunch, and were chilling at the apartment watching a movie and doing some crafts. During some idle conversation, Karly asked me about my relationship with Kara. Something along the lines of "so how good of friends are you and Kara? like just friends who share an apartment or bff for life..." I had been pretty convinced for awhile that Karly definitely knew I was gay. We had had lots of conversations about how she liked gay people, she introduced me to her gay cousin, she asked about Kara regularly. Idk...she's 11. 11 year old's usually know a lot more than people think.

So Karly asked about our relationship and I just gave her this look like "really Karly". The conversation that insued:

Karly: What? Why are you giving me that look.
Me: Karly, you know that Kara and I are girlfriends right? Like dating, romantic type girlfriends...
Karly: What!!!
Me: Um...I thought you knew that I was a lesbian.
Karly: NO!!!! Omg. I mean it doesn't change anything but I definitely did not know.
Me: Oh. Um now this is awkward. I'm sorry! I would have told you a little more gracefully if I didn't think you already knew....I mean we ARE facebook friends!! Didn't you read my profile??? I thought maybe your mom told me. I mean she knows for sure.
Karly: No. Definitely she didn't tell me. *awkward silence....*
Me: Right so this is awkward now. Um if you have any questions I am definitely up for answering them. Sorry about this SOS of a situation...I really thought you knew.
Karly: At least I know a lesbian now right, lol!

Later her mom called to apoligise for never telling me that she didn't tell Karly. Anyways, I think everything is going to be fine but it was certainly not my smoothest moment!!!

Oops!
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OMG it's July!!!

I feel like I haven't blogged in approximately forever. I did a little calculating and it seems that my approximation was a little off....but still.

What have I been up to?

• I've been swimming with Karly a lot (BBBS)
• Bought a new swimsuit
• Bought new jeans (that are AMAZING!)
• Bought plane tickets to Vegas
• Worked a lot (almost got overtime last week lol)

I have also been taking a summer class online. Can I just mention how weird it is to be in school after being out for a year? It's even weirder that the class is online. I sort of forget about it, which is not the best, obviously. Anyways, I have to get studying for a test so I guess this is it for now.

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I think she knows

My Little. Karly. I think that she knows I'm a lesbian. Maybe her mom told her. Maybe she figured it out. Who knows? The problem is that I am pretty sure she knows.

Why is this a problem? I mean obviously I'm out at work, to my immediate family, and to all of my friends. Her mom knows I am a lesbian and is fine with it.

The reason I am worried about it is because I don't want her to think I am lying to her. I don't want her to think I'm hiding it from her (even though essentially I am). I just want her to trust me.

Now what do I do? Talk to her mom? Talk to her? Continue to ignore the situation?

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My little is awesome

I met my little earlier and she is awesome!!! We went to dinner at Panera Bread and then had Italian cream sodas with coconut at Books a Million. She talked my leg off.

Next week we are watching a movie and maybe doing some crafts since she has a broken foot. Crutches make anything that involves a lot of walking no fun.

Still not sure when to tell Karly that I'm gay but I'm sure I'll know when the time is right.

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I'm meeting my little today

Tonight at 5pm I'm meeting my new little sister with BBBS! I can't wait. Her name is Karly and she is 11.

The meeting last Friday with her mom went really well. We mostly talked about Karly and why her mom wanted to get her involved with the program. Surprisingly enough there wasn't any talk at all about me being gay. I guess her mom is cool. I kind of wish that there had been though. I would have liked a little input from her about when she thought I should bring it up with Karly.

Idk advice anyone? I don't really think I'm going to bring it up during our first outing unless she specifically asks me if I'm dating anyone or whatever. I feel the need to google some tips about coming out to children...

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I have a potential BBBS match!

Today Jessica from BBBS called with good news; she has found a potential match for me! The girl is 11 years old and her name is Karly.

Without spilling her entire life story, I think she's a great match for me. She has recently divorced parents and is struggling with depression and either has or had bulimia. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I suffered from depression and had an eating disorder as a teenager. Also she's tall and really smart. Twinz. Ok well obviously we aren't twins but I feel like I have actual life experiences that will be helpful for her.

Yeah...needless to say I am excited!

The process goes something like this from here:
•Jessica, her mom Kari, and I will all meet on May 1st and talk about Jessica and how I am the perfect big sister for her
•The next day her mom and I will both call Jessica and give her a yes or a no
•If there is a no the process starts over. If both of us say yes then we set up a meeting with Jessica, the mom, Karly, and of course me.
•Provided that goes well Karly and I will have our first outing.
•There might be some sort of training or something along the way...I'm not sure

Yay I'm actually doing this!
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Lesbifriends

I want more gay friends...more specifically more lesbian friends. No offense but I know pleanty of gay boys and while they can be fun that's not what I want right now.

I guess jumping right into my relationship with Kara sort of led me away from trying to male friends with other lesbians when I was first coming out. I was pretty consumed in her and wasn't really interested in anything else, especially tring to meet other lesbians.


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My interview is over!

In case I haven't mentioned it twice already (My interview is in 3 hours, Big Brother Big Sisters Interview) I had my BBBS interview today.

I was feeling a little nervous about it this morning. Mostly because my house was a mess.

I got home and cleaned my house. In the middle of that my ex, Matt, started texting me. Somehow we got on the subject of BBBS and he said that he knew the guy who was helping run it and he's a big conservative. He gave a lot of unsolicited advice about hiding my sexuality. I politely explained that I have no desire to volunteer with a group that discriminates against lesbians. I also explained their nondiscrimination policy.

Regardless of my stand on the situation, I got a little worried about it. I've never really had anyone openly be rude to me because of my gayness and I wasn't really sure how I'd feel about it. I got my house cleaned. I sat on the couch.

All of my worrying was for nothing! The interview went really well!

Come to find out, the girl, Jessica, who did my interview is a lesbian. I saw her take inventory of the little things around my house that would indicate that I'm gay but there was no judgment. Then we got to the questionnaire. She was REALLY gender neutral about asking if I was in a relationship and how my "significant other" would feel about me being in BBBS.

Then at the end of the sheet was a final question: What is your sexuality? I was just like, um I'm a lesbian. She laughed and was like, "Yeah I saw The L Word dvds. Don't worry, I'm family. . ." This for some reason confused me, but thankfully she clarified for me that she was a lesbian.

And then we chatted about our big gay lives and the rest of the application process...and everything was great and probably I'll have a little in the next month or so!
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My interview is in 3 hours!

So my big brothers big sisters (BBBS) interview is really soon! I'm feeling a little nervous. Also I have a lot of stuff to do still. The house needs picked up, the dishes washed, and I don't even know what I'm going to wear!

Deep breath right? That will help.

Oh and a list and some music. Everything will be ok!
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Big Brothers Big Sisters Interview

Lately I've been feeling the need to give back to the community and do some volunteer work.

In high school I did a lunch buddy type program called Youth Friends (YF). Basically you eat lunch once a week with an elementary student who needs a mentor for some reason. I loved it. My YF lived with her gay dad and his bf. In a town as small as the one I grew up in it's pretty unheard of but she was pretty well adjusted considering the shit she took on a regular basis. Anyways I had a really good experience and really got a lot out of it (including a dvd player in a raffle that I still use lol).

A month or so ago I filled out a really long application for Big Brothers Big Sisters (BBBS). Then the girl who works there told me about how they do a home visit. I live with my gf and this is Missouri. I got really worried that I was going to be rejected because I am gay. So I fired up my laptop and googled BBBS. Then I found links to lots of homophobes having a fit about their policy of not discriminating against people based on sexual orientation. Win!

So BBBS likes the gays. I am thrilled. My interview and home visit will probably happen in the next couple of weeks.

Only there's one thing...how do I bring this up? I am not generally a fan of just blurting out "hi I'm gay" to relative strangers but from the website I gathered that the kids parents
can opt out of letting their kids have a mentor that is gay. So how are they supposed to know? I am not at all interested in spending several hours a month with a kid that I need to hide my sexuality from.

Also do I need to "de-gay" my house? There's a rainbow flag on the fridge and a few other things. Mostly I'm going to go with no. Obviously I will make sure the alcohol is put away and the erotica is out of sight but I don't think hiding who I am so I can do volunteer work is for me.

I just need to stop worrying about this...I'm sure everything will be fine.
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