Interview on Monday

I have an interview for a shift supervisor position at my store tomorrow morning! I'm a little nervous...and um yeah that's really all...cross your fingers.

The other guy applying has tons more experience but I am really awesome at my job so that may or may not matter. What's the worst that could happen? Oh wait, I would just keep the job I have now.

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I have a potential BBBS match!

Today Jessica from BBBS called with good news; she has found a potential match for me! The girl is 11 years old and her name is Karly.

Without spilling her entire life story, I think she's a great match for me. She has recently divorced parents and is struggling with depression and either has or had bulimia. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I suffered from depression and had an eating disorder as a teenager. Also she's tall and really smart. Twinz. Ok well obviously we aren't twins but I feel like I have actual life experiences that will be helpful for her.

Yeah...needless to say I am excited!

The process goes something like this from here:
•Jessica, her mom Kari, and I will all meet on May 1st and talk about Jessica and how I am the perfect big sister for her
•The next day her mom and I will both call Jessica and give her a yes or a no
•If there is a no the process starts over. If both of us say yes then we set up a meeting with Jessica, the mom, Karly, and of course me.
•Provided that goes well Karly and I will have our first outing.
•There might be some sort of training or something along the way...I'm not sure

Yay I'm actually doing this!
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Lesbifriends

I want more gay friends...more specifically more lesbian friends. No offense but I know pleanty of gay boys and while they can be fun that's not what I want right now.

I guess jumping right into my relationship with Kara sort of led me away from trying to male friends with other lesbians when I was first coming out. I was pretty consumed in her and wasn't really interested in anything else, especially tring to meet other lesbians.


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CLGB friend date

Saturday night I have a friend date with "cute little gay boy" (mentioned before in the post about St. Louis Pride). I will reffering to him as CLGB.

I'm about 98% convinced that this boy (age 18) is gay. I won't go into all the examples but no one is going to be very surprised when he finally comes out. The problem is that he's just not quite even there yet...I'm not even sure if he knows that he'd gay. The second problem is that he is still in high school and his family is very Catholic.

Anyways, he works with my girlfriend and he got into an argument with her. She suggested that some girl he knows might be gay. He said no. She suggested that maybe she was gay but didn't really know it yet, she's still in high school. He argued that Kara knew in high school. Kara just laughed and said not everyone knows in high school and asked if he ever met me, lol.

Anyways shortly after that he said we need to go out on Saturday night. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this kid...

What if he comes out to me? That would make my life better...and make me feel very important...

That's all.
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Apartment Situation...

I'm a little worried about our apartment situation. Here is the back story.

I rent a one bedroom apartment. It's low income. I think funded partially by HUD? Idk. All I know is the rent is cheap and I had to qualify to live there. I moved in in August. Kara has never spent a night away from the apartment. She has officially lived there since October (aka started paying half the rent and finished her hostile takeover of the closet).

The apartments are infamously hard to get into...but I knew some people who had lived there and happened to know someone who was moving. Then when I filled out the application I name dropped Jesus and Vacation Bible School. Keep in mind I don't really identify as Christian but everyone I know who has lived there went to Christian College and the lady had Jesus pictures and stuff all over the office. Anyways she called the next day to say I got in.

Fast forward to now...mostly I'm just a little worried the land lady is going to find out that two people live in our apartment and that we're gay and then we'll have to move. Technically Kara's address is still with her parents but idk if the post office is really the deciding factor in these things... Also sometimes we have sex a little loudly...what if our neighbors complain or something?

Random things I worry about...oh the midwest. Have you ever had to name drop Jesus to get into an apartment?

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Lesbian Identity Crisis

Currently I'm having what I've affectionately dubbed my little "lesbian identity crisis". It's been happening for the last few months.

I just feel like I don't know a lot of things. I'm sure it's all a normal part of coming out (and being 21 years old). All of my life I just assumed I was straight (oh how did I not figure this out sooner?) and I guess that sort of filtered the way I acted and the things I assumed that I'd be expected to do.

Except now I'm not expected to do ANY of those things (well maybe a few, but still). On one hand, it's like I'm free to do whatever I want...but on the other hand how am I supposed to know what it is that I want? I'm just a kid? Wait I'm 21. People always tell me how together I am but sometimes I just feel like an insecure mess.

You know in high school all the time you spend testing out different "identities". There's the punk phase and the preppy phase and on and on. You cycle through friends and activities and hobbies until you figure out what fits you. I feel like I need to do that again. Like the time I spent trying vainly to be interested in boys needs to be spent doing other things. But what things?

I feel the need to find community and make friends with other lesbians. But I don't really know any...which of course makes things a little difficult. But this is an entirely different issue (and another post).

I just feel the need to be different. To metamorphosize. To evolve. To have a tangible difference between my "straight life" and my "gay life". I feel like there should be a dividing line or something.

Idk. I feel like I've been rambling on without a thought to cohesion or anything of the sort.

And so this is sort of why I cut my hair. I think getting your hair cut can be very cleansing. Therapeutic. A physical difference between the person you are and the person you were?

Meh. I think I should stop rambling about this now...maybe more another day.
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I cut my hair!!!

Lately I've been having what I've affectionately dubbed my "lesbian identity crisis". It's a pretty long angsty story, but for now we'll just talk about my hair.

I was pretty over it. It was super long and blonde and I never really did anything with it. About 90% of the time it went in a ponytail and it didn't really look that amazing. Don't get me wrong, I have thick gorgeous hair that's wavy but not curly. This means that it curls really well, straightens pretty well, and looks decent if I just put some goo in it and let it dry. I have fantastic hair but I just never did much with it. Anyone who has super thick hair knows that takes forever to get dry. Add this to the length and it's tangly and a mess.

So I google imaged some people who had hair that I liked. My biggest hair inspiration is Leisha Hailey. I love her hair!!! It looks good long. It looks good short. It looks good curly. It looks good in pigtails. It looks good. Period.

I decided I was ready to get rid of some of the length (ok, a lot of it really) and found some pics to take to my hair girl (Dani...who is amazing). Pics:




The next day I call and get a hair appointment. Excitement!!! She got me in on the same day (yesterday)! I showed her the pictures and she told me that it wasn't really going to look like the picture because of my thick hair (ugh blessing + pain in the ass!). She thought she could do something similar but a little longer and I trust her so I said go for it.

So this was my hair last week...


...and this is my hair today!


It's a little more Paige than Alice...


...but I like it a LOT!

What do you think?
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Office Max is where the girls are at?

I walk into Office Max to get something printed since my printer is out of ink. I walk through the door and some girl asks me if I need help. Anyone who's been shopping with me before knows that I usually don't look like I need help. I have a sense of purpose or something. Anyways, even when I need help, no one asks.

So the girl asks if I need help. I respond politely and she directs me to the printing center...after she blatantly looks me up and down and makes a lot of eye contact. Hmmmm...

I don't really think much of it until the girl at the print desk sends my gaydar into overdrive. Men's khakis, wallet, short hair, attitude...check. Print girl completely prioritizes my order over the two in front of me. She talks to me the whole time about Dollhouse (Eliza Dushku) and how she thinks the star is really hott then she gives me my 9 cent print for free and tells me to have a nice day...

Then I proceed to wander around the notebooks (because I'm a total nerd and love office supplies) and a third girl asks me if I need help. Well she was just doing her job and didn't really do anything exciting but I thought it would be entertaining if I said there were three...that's all.

Moral of this story: Office Max is where the ladies are at!
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Pictures...because I can

Right. So now I want to post pictures of myself, my girlfriend, and a couple of random things around our apartment...because I can. :)

This is me.


Sometimes I wear pink


This is Kara.


Sometimes she's a bad.


These are my feet. This picture makes me look really really tall. I'm 5'9. Let's be honest, it's not exactly short. Kara is short. She's only 5'4. Make fun.


This is a bookshelf Kara and I made. Cool? Or would you never allow pink in your house, lol?


We're doing the kitchen in orange. I'm a big fan of these pot holders. They have silicone and are amazing.

I feel like this was a really random blog post of pictures. Soon i will hopefully have zoo pictures!
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AWOL

Um so I was AWOL for a couple of days. I feel like I haven't blogged much lately!

Tuesday I worked at 5am, went to the dentist, went to the circus, and had a huge fight with K.

Wednesday I took K to the Tulsa zoo (who said I don't know how to get out of the doghouse?), drove around downtown Tulsa, went to Whole Foods for the first time (omg amazing and cheaper than local stores of a similar nature), and had some amazing veggie burritos from Taco Bueno. Side note: the Tulsa zoo has some cool jewelry!! I think both K and I spent $15 or something. I got a really cool black bamboo cloth bracelet that says "eco warrior" and a peace bracelet.

Thursday I woke up in excruciating dental pain and had to have yet another emergency dental appointment. I think we have finally reached a solution that will keep me out of pain until my root canal! After the dentist we had to go to a birthday dinner for Kara's mom.

So yeah, it's been a busy couple of days!!! I have some pictures I'm going to put up soon of K and I and some of the zoo.

Also my garden is getting impressive! There are something like 20 pepper sprouts, 10 cilantro sprouts, and 4 or 5 spinach sprouts. The strawberries are starting to recover from the shock of being transplanted and there are two little strawberries growing! If only it would stay warm!

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Maybe you shouldn't talk about that on the floor...

Today at work was my three and a half year review! Wow...it doesn't really seem that long (and at the same time it feels like forever).

We talked about the usual stuff: how I am amazing at my job, how much I do for the store, and how my approach for coaching conversations could use some finesse, etc.

Then comes this: "I don't know how to put this but maybe you shouldn't discuss your sexuality on the floor."

What!

I was just like really? Really? And then went into a fifteen minute lecture on how I was completely allowed to discuss my sexuality and relationship on the floor just like every other person who works there. And he didn't get for at least the first few minutes how his discussions of daily life and mine are exactly the same...mine are just a little more controversial since I'm a lesbian. I think he finally got it, finally understood that it's just implied in everything he says and does that he's straight but that sometimes I have to say that I'm gay or things don't make sense.

Idk. He wasn't trying to be rude. He wasn't trying to offend. I think a little he was even trying to protect me. Indeed he did say, "Cassie, this is the midwest we're talking about here."

I just feel a little frustrated by it all. He quoted company policy on not discussing religion and politics on the floor (which he has done with me a million times, in conversations he started...).

He also mentioned that it might make another employee uncomfortable (me talking about being gay...not my sex life, just being gay).

Fact: the company is very adamant about embracing diversity (not tolerating, embracing).

Fact: if another employee has a problem with me being a lesbian, that is his/her problem. If they can't cope, they are the ones in trouble, not me.

Of course I explained all of this to him. By the end of the conversation he seemed totally on my side and sort of like he regretted saying anything. He was worried he'd offended me or made me mad.

Mostly I just feel like I'm a learning experience for him. Like I'm the trial and error. Like I'm the one who's adjusting his was of thinking about gay people. And like that's a little weird...but hey, at least he's learning right?

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The L Word lesbian checklist

Let's face it, lesbians on The L Word are a special breed. There's a pretty long list of requirements to be included. There are a few things that just strike me as really ridiculous.

• Go braless all the time (especially in season 1)
• Have a piece of artwork featuring a nude woman hanging in the bedroom
• Make a kazillion dollars but dont spend much time at your job
• Have sex in public places and never get arrested or even caught

These are the things I think about at work! Anyways, what other ridiculous things do The L Word cast members seem to do a lot?

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Go Iowa!

In case you missed it, Iowa legalized gay marriage today! Win!

Missouri and Iowa, we're neighbors...and it's a little unbelievable for me. I mean hello, this IS the midwest. I'm not really sure if this is going to make things better here in Missouri or not.

Currently it's still legal to discriminate against people based on sexuality here (in the workplace and in housing). Technically my landlord could kick me out tomorrow and my boss could fire me based soley on the fact i'm a lesbian. Lame. There is a bill going through right now (um I can't remember if it's in the house or senate though). What I'm afraid of is that the Missouri conservatives are going to have a big fit about gay marriage being legal so close to home and get really vocal about it essentially leading to the bill not being passed. On the flip side, all the positive attention could possibly help (I'm trying here)?

But anways horray for Iowa. It passed by something like 70% I think.
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Sometimes I just feel...

...really frustrated. Like everyone is complaining about all this stupid stuff that they aren't even trying to fix.

With one specific person, let's call her P, I feel like I've spent about a bazillion hours giving her advice about her problems and her life and she never does anything...she just complains and whines and let's her life happen.

Frustration!
/rant

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April Fools...

The L Word the Musical!

This post on Afterellen.com basically made my April Fool's day. It's not my favorite holiday and I especially hate stupid pranks in real life but in internet life, I <3 April Fools!

Also that post was sooooooo believable. It seems like something Ilene Chaiken would do now doesn't it?
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Good idea or recipe for disaster?

I know a boy that I'm about 99% sure is gay. Let's call him cute little gay boy or CLGB. He's not even out yet to himself. Everything about him set off my gaydar and the more I get to know him, the more I am convinced he's gay.

Once I took him to a porn shop (with some other people...ugh, long story) and I saw him peeking at some postcards with naked men all over them. I also saw him looking at some very fabulous underwear and a bunch of other stuff that straight boys would just not be interested in. There were lots of pictures of boobs. No interest.

He's also made a lot of comments about not being interested in women or the female body. One day he said something about who he's interested in to the effect of "I don't really know who it is or who I like. Sometimes I feel like I have all these secrets, even from myself and it's going to take a special person to unlock them..." Hmm.

Anyways. I'm trying to get a group of people together to go to St. Louis Pride this summer and do some volunteer work for Starbucks. This makes it way easier to get us all off work!

Should I invite him? I'm not really sure if he'd come, but I kind of think so. Is this even a good idea or is it a recipe for disaster? Mostly I think he's started to maybe consider that he might be gay and being surrounded by a lot of gay people might be good for him...or maybe just traumatic.
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