Currently I'm having what I've affectionately dubbed my little "lesbian identity crisis". It's been happening for the last few months.
I just feel like I don't know a lot of things. I'm sure it's all a normal part of coming out (and being 21 years old). All of my life I just assumed I was straight (oh how did I not figure this out sooner?) and I guess that sort of filtered the way I acted and the things I assumed that I'd be expected to do.
Except now I'm not expected to do ANY of those things (well maybe a few, but still). On one hand, it's like I'm free to do whatever I want...but on the other hand how am I supposed to know what it is that I want? I'm just a kid? Wait I'm 21. People always tell me how together I am but sometimes I just feel like an insecure mess.
You know in high school all the time you spend testing out different "identities". There's the punk phase and the preppy phase and on and on. You cycle through friends and activities and hobbies until you figure out what fits you. I feel like I need to do that again. Like the time I spent trying vainly to be interested in boys needs to be spent doing other things. But what things?
I feel the need to find community and make friends with other lesbians. But I don't really know any...which of course makes things a little difficult. But this is an entirely different issue (and another post).
I just feel the need to be different. To metamorphosize. To evolve. To have a tangible difference between my "straight life" and my "gay life". I feel like there should be a dividing line or something.
Idk. I feel like I've been rambling on without a thought to cohesion or anything of the sort.
And so this is sort of why I cut my hair. I think getting your hair cut can be very cleansing. Therapeutic. A physical difference between the person you are and the person you were?
Meh. I think I should stop rambling about this now...maybe more another day.
<3
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I know what you mean, i've been with my girlfriend for six months and since we got together i've become obsessed with every lesbian. Lesbian culture anyway, i've watched loads of lesbian films, all 6 series of the l word in 3 months, and now i've started blogging and reading other lesbian's blogs to feel like i fit in somewhere cos in my'straight' life i dont feel like i fit in anymore. Also i'v started hanging out with my girlfriends friends loads more, cso they're all gay too!
ReplyDeleteIt's called sisterhood and there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with, talk to, hook up with other lesbians. I mean, come on, We rule!
ReplyDeleteNewbo- glad to hear I'm not the only one. Sometimes I just feel like I hhave a LOT of catching up to do!
ReplyDeleteJude- lesbians are awesome...why am I not friends with more of them
Just discovered your blog :) Which makes me feel infinitely better for only discovering my bisexuality at 23. And, YES, I now feel socially delayed. Though I cut my hair and started gay-ifying myself BEFORE I figured things out.
ReplyDeleteChe-I'm glad you found my blog LOL. Isn't it funny how obvious it was looking back??
ReplyDelete