Saturday, May 16, 2009

What if...?

I've been thinking about high school more than usual over the past couple of days, due to my brother's upcoming graduation, and playing a little game of what if. What if I realized I was gay while I was still in high school?

Would I have came out to my parents? Friends? Anyone? I'm not really sure. I spent a lot of time online so the first person I came out to would almost certainly have been from the fourm I was a part of. Since I lived in such a small town if I told even one person, everyone would have known within days. I'm pretty sure that I would have told my parents first and eventually my friends. Hell I might have had a party (ok so probably not).

I wonder how people would have reacted? My hometown is a pretty conservative place and homophobia is basically everywhere, mostly due to ignorance and inexperience. It was almost encouraged for boys to play "smear the queer" at recess when I was a kid. The term fag is often used as an insult for just about everything. Even adults say "that's so gay". I've heard teachers tell crying little boys not to be such fairies.

Surprisingly, the two openly gay boys who went to my high school didn't have too rough of a time as far as I remember. The 40ish woman who divorced her husband and moved a woman in months later was a hot piece of gossip for awhile but I don't think anyone was ever actually rude to them. Still there has never been an out lesbian at my high school to my knowledge.

When you are in high school in a really small town with a lesbian population of 2 (both in their 40s and together) who do you date? Where do you meet girls?

Scary thought: would I have had a girlfriend before college? Dated? Had sex?

Sometimes I just can't help but wonder.


  1. I kind of understand what you mean. I'm from Malta, it's a really tiny island and if something happens to someone, if u tell the wrong people anyway, everyone will find out. On top of that, Malta's very, very catholic. God hates gays and all that doesn't he? I don't believe it, but a lot of people in Malta do. So, same here! I came to uni and fell in love with a girl. I doubt it would have happened if i hadn't moved away, i was surrounded by straight culture!

  2. a lot of "what if's" which is why the process of coming out is different for every person