Shane burned down Wax????

Ok...so I just watched the latest interrogation tape on the Showtime website. In case you missed it, they are posting one every Monday until everyone's tape is up.

This week was Shane's video! The gist of the shocking part of the conversation:

Shane: I think I knew everything about her. (talking about Jenny)
Cop: Did she know everything about you?
Shane: What's the statute of limitations on arson?
Cop: 1 year
Shane: That's not very long
Shane: About 18 months ago I burned down my business.

WHATTTTTTTTTT!!! I thought Paige burned down Wax? When did Shane have time for that? She is such an emotional cutter sometimes. Wow wow wow.

Thoughts?
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St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my and Kara's first kiss!

I went out for St. Patrick's Day and needed a ride. Kara, the charming gal she is, picked me up. Then we drove around and ended up making out.

Win!

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Help! The Midwest is ruining my gaydar!

Wouldn't it be nice if you had a real life gaydar gun?


Usually when you're trying to figure out if a girl is gay, you look at a few things.

• clothes
• hair
• fingernails
• accessories
• presence of any rainbow gear
• general look/demeanor

The problem is, in the midwest this is not always so effective and it's really negatively affecting the development of my gaydar. Don't get me wrong, my gaydar isn't that bad but it could use some work.

Anyways, the problem is the midwest. I've decided. Soccer moms (or softball moms, or basketball moms, etc....because soccer isn't that popular in this particular area) look a lot like lesbians. You know the type I'm talking about. Short hair. Northface pullover. Tennis shoes/hiking boots. Most often seen at a sporting even. Usually this would be a pretty good indicator. Unfortunately this is how the soccer mom crowd dresses here too. They all have these really dikey haircuts and clothes...and are always seen with a gaggle of equally dikey looking women, but then their kids coming running up to hug them and ask where dad is. Failure.

Then you see some really butchy woman in carpenter jeans, boots, and a flannel shirt. Gruff voice. Sort of like Weezie (the carpenter doing the remodel in Season 6 of the L Word). Really exactly like her. She breaks the gaydar gun! Then her husband walks in and there is a five minute embrace and a talk about cattle.

What gives? What's a baby lezzie to do? How am I ever supposed to tune my gaydar when everywhere I turn, straight women are regularly dressing like gay women? Help!
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Changing friendships

My friend Jennifer posted a lengthy post on her blog about me and how our friendship has changed since I came out. Quote from her post...

I feel like.. I am sad that she is a lesbian, kind of. I love you Dazzle. I am sad because.. I feel like you are different now. You have a whole lot of different thoughts and you're part of a different community and you talk about it and I feel like I don't really have a lot of interest and you are gay.. So you are in on all the gay people things. Like you're a stereotypical gay person now or you're trying to be and it's weird because thats not you as I know you? Hmm. It is strange to me because.. I know you and you're pretty legit awesome and I don't feel like you should have to struggle to fit in with that community.. Or feel less about yourself because you're not just like them? (I don't know, that's just the sense I get.) You should be who you are. You were the cosmo reading, sex loving chick that's always rocking the amazing hair. You can still be that girl while also being the starbucks working, lesbian in a long-term relationship who is afraid of graduating from college.

It's really weird hearing all of those things from her. I think part of it is that we didn't talk very much between the May and December, and during that time I changed a lot and she sort of missed it.

A lot of our friendship involved talking about sex (with men). That's sort of how it started. When I was dating men, I talked a lot about sex with them. I am a very sexual person and I just couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy it more...so I overcompensated and talked about sex all the time. I could probably write a book about sex and relationships with men. Maybe that's really weird. I'm not sure.

So now I think she feels like we have less to talk about. To an extent that's true. She doesn't have much interest or need to know about lesbian sex. It's not really the kind of sex she has so she can't really file it away into her sex info/advice folder. But I still know everything I used to know about having sex with men. I can still give really solid advice about relationships. I'm still available for all of those conversations we had before.

Also I think there are a couple of things that she just doesn't really understand. Frankly, I think it's a big McWaste of time to read Cosmopolitan if you aren't having sex with men. The whole magazine is 50,000 different ways to please his penis. Which doesn't really apply so much to my life...

Idk. I am still me. I'm still the same. But also I'm different.

I feel like coming out is like High School...or at least a little like it. In high school, you sort of define who you are, who you want to be, what's important to you. You do a lot of dreaming and planning and hoping. You find role models and try to emulate them. And that's kind of how coming out feels to me. Like I'm trying to figure out all over again who I am and who I want to be. My whole self perception just keeps changing and well...it's a process.

I guess I just never really expected my friendships to change, but if the things I do and think about change so much, then that's bound to carry over into everything else, including friendships.

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Family on Facebook???

A few days ago, my Aunt whom I haven't seen since I was nine added me to Facebook. I barely know here or much about her family, yet immediately I sort of panicked. She's going to know that I'm gay.


Things going through my head: Why do I even care? Like I said, I don't even know the lady. Still, she's related to me and I don't know her very well. I want her to have a good impression of me. Should I message her and say, hey btw I'm gay. No. Stupid. Obviously she'll just read it on my profile. Is she going to hate me? Why do I care again? She's from Utah. Do people in Utah like gay people? Why would her living in Utah having anything to do with her opinion of my gayness. Why do I even care?

After I stopped being drama, I realized that she is an adult and if she's not able to deal with my being gay, then I don't really want to make friends with her anyways. Then there's the part where I had no relationship with her before, so it's not like I would experience a loss of any kind. Everything is going to be fine. Hopefully she's going to be fine with it and I'll get to know more about a side of my family that I don't really associate with much.

Final thought: If any of my other relatives join facebook, I have resolved not to freak out about it or go to any extreme measures to hide my gayness from them. This is who I am. It's not going to change. Most of them will find out eventually.

<3

I want a tattoo

I was just reading this post on Card Carrying Lesbian about tattoos.

I have been having a LOT of tattoo lust lately. I just really want a tattoo.

Things I'm considering:

• A white tattoo. I really want a white tattoo at some point, probably a word or phrase on my wrist. I know that this was sort of made popular by Lindsay Lohan (gross) but I think it looks really cool. Check out the white ink tattoo flikr group...and then you will want one too!
• A rainbow tattoo. Because I'm a big gaymo and I just want one. I'm not specifically sure of a shape or something...but I don't really think I just want a plain rainbow.
  
• Stars. Overdone? Yes. Really mainstream? Yes. Still I kind of want a star tattoo. Maybe on the back of my neck?
• <3>

Random side note. For awhile I was really obsessed with the idea of having my nipples tattooed (and the area around them somewhat) so that they looked star shaped. I saw this on Suicide Girls once (I know, the site is shit and treats the models badly, but I didn't know that then) and it looked really amazing. At first I thought they were pasties or something but no, they were definitely tattoos. Since then I've calmed down about the idea mostly because I'm afraid of the pain that might cause. Also I want to breastfeed someday and I'm not sure how safe that is.

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Big Brothers Big Sisters Interview

Lately I've been feeling the need to give back to the community and do some volunteer work.

In high school I did a lunch buddy type program called Youth Friends (YF). Basically you eat lunch once a week with an elementary student who needs a mentor for some reason. I loved it. My YF lived with her gay dad and his bf. In a town as small as the one I grew up in it's pretty unheard of but she was pretty well adjusted considering the shit she took on a regular basis. Anyways I had a really good experience and really got a lot out of it (including a dvd player in a raffle that I still use lol).

A month or so ago I filled out a really long application for Big Brothers Big Sisters (BBBS). Then the girl who works there told me about how they do a home visit. I live with my gf and this is Missouri. I got really worried that I was going to be rejected because I am gay. So I fired up my laptop and googled BBBS. Then I found links to lots of homophobes having a fit about their policy of not discriminating against people based on sexual orientation. Win!

So BBBS likes the gays. I am thrilled. My interview and home visit will probably happen in the next couple of weeks.

Only there's one thing...how do I bring this up? I am not generally a fan of just blurting out "hi I'm gay" to relative strangers but from the website I gathered that the kids parents
can opt out of letting their kids have a mentor that is gay. So how are they supposed to know? I am not at all interested in spending several hours a month with a kid that I need to hide my sexuality from.

Also do I need to "de-gay" my house? There's a rainbow flag on the fridge and a few other things. Mostly I'm going to go with no. Obviously I will make sure the alcohol is put away and the erotica is out of sight but I don't think hiding who I am so I can do volunteer work is for me.

I just need to stop worrying about this...I'm sure everything will be fine.
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