It's really weird hearing all of those things from her. I think part of it is that we didn't talk very much between the May and December, and during that time I changed a lot and she sort of missed it.
I feel like.. I am sad that she is a lesbian, kind of. I love you Dazzle. I am sad because.. I feel like you are different now. You have a whole lot of different thoughts and you're part of a different community and you talk about it and I feel like I don't really have a lot of interest and you are gay.. So you are in on all the gay people things. Like you're a stereotypical gay person now or you're trying to be and it's weird because thats not you as I know you? Hmm. It is strange to me because.. I know you and you're pretty legit awesome and I don't feel like you should have to struggle to fit in with that community.. Or feel less about yourself because you're not just like them? (I don't know, that's just the sense I get.) You should be who you are. You were the cosmo reading, sex loving chick that's always rocking the amazing hair. You can still be that girl while also being the starbucks working, lesbian in a long-term relationship who is afraid of graduating from college.
A lot of our friendship involved talking about sex (with men). That's sort of how it started. When I was dating men, I talked a lot about sex with them. I am a very sexual person and I just couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy it more...so I overcompensated and talked about sex all the time. I could probably write a book about sex and relationships with men. Maybe that's really weird. I'm not sure.
So now I think she feels like we have less to talk about. To an extent that's true. She doesn't have much interest or need to know about lesbian sex. It's not really the kind of sex she has so she can't really file it away into her sex info/advice folder. But I still know everything I used to know about having sex with men. I can still give really solid advice about relationships. I'm still available for all of those conversations we had before.
Also I think there are a couple of things that she just doesn't really understand. Frankly, I think it's a big McWaste of time to read Cosmopolitan if you aren't having sex with men. The whole magazine is 50,000 different ways to please his penis. Which doesn't really apply so much to my life...
Idk. I am still me. I'm still the same. But also I'm different.
I feel like coming out is like High School...or at least a little like it. In high school, you sort of define who you are, who you want to be, what's important to you. You do a lot of dreaming and planning and hoping. You find role models and try to emulate them. And that's kind of how coming out feels to me. Like I'm trying to figure out all over again who I am and who I want to be. My whole self perception just keeps changing and well...it's a process.
I guess I just never really expected my friendships to change, but if the things I do and think about change so much, then that's bound to carry over into everything else, including friendships.
<3
