Swimsuits

Ugh. Swimsuits are the bane of my existence. Unfortunately, I really need a new one. The one I have is from 2005...so um 4 years.

Can I just say swimsuit shopping is hell. First you have to take off all your clothes (except panties are required by law blah blah blah) which takes forever. Then you try on the micro pieces of lycra in very unflattering light. Then you critique your body to death and wish you'd been tanning. Then you remember skin cancer. You still wish you'd been tanning or at least jogging. You remove micro-lycra nonsense and get dressed again. Then you go back out and search for a different size/color/fit/pattern. Repeat from the beginning. Decide you'd rather swim naked. Bounce.


Except then it's June and you still don't have a swimsuit. Which is where I am...angst! (above photo is one that I really like from Victoria's Secret but I'm about 85% sure that it would not be so great for my body type...)

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Lesbian Identity Crisis

Currently I'm having what I've affectionately dubbed my little "lesbian identity crisis". It's been happening for the last few months.

I just feel like I don't know a lot of things. I'm sure it's all a normal part of coming out (and being 21 years old). All of my life I just assumed I was straight (oh how did I not figure this out sooner?) and I guess that sort of filtered the way I acted and the things I assumed that I'd be expected to do.

Except now I'm not expected to do ANY of those things (well maybe a few, but still). On one hand, it's like I'm free to do whatever I want...but on the other hand how am I supposed to know what it is that I want? I'm just a kid? Wait I'm 21. People always tell me how together I am but sometimes I just feel like an insecure mess.

You know in high school all the time you spend testing out different "identities". There's the punk phase and the preppy phase and on and on. You cycle through friends and activities and hobbies until you figure out what fits you. I feel like I need to do that again. Like the time I spent trying vainly to be interested in boys needs to be spent doing other things. But what things?

I feel the need to find community and make friends with other lesbians. But I don't really know any...which of course makes things a little difficult. But this is an entirely different issue (and another post).

I just feel the need to be different. To metamorphosize. To evolve. To have a tangible difference between my "straight life" and my "gay life". I feel like there should be a dividing line or something.

Idk. I feel like I've been rambling on without a thought to cohesion or anything of the sort.

And so this is sort of why I cut my hair. I think getting your hair cut can be very cleansing. Therapeutic. A physical difference between the person you are and the person you were?

Meh. I think I should stop rambling about this now...maybe more another day.
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Frustration over not coming out sooner

I was 20 years old when I came out. I realize that lots of people come out much later in life than me and it's getting more common every day. I know that I wasn't really that old, but I just feel a little frustrated sometimes that I didn't come out sooner, not even to myself.

I just lived for 20 years without knowing who I really am. In high school people were suspicious that I was a lesbian. I didn't date. I wasn't very interested in boys. I had lots of very close friendships with other girls. My family was concerned. I mostly just thought that people were trying to start rumors (I grew up in a very small town) and ignored them all. I never gave it much thought.

As early as the beginning of high school, the majority of my sexual fantasies involved women. 95% of my sexual dreams involved women. Later in both of my relationships with men I told them that I was interested in having sex with women. I thought it was normal. Curiosity.

I don't know if I was in denial or what but it really just never occurred to me that I could be gay. I knew a small handful of gay people, mostly men. I was friends with the two gay boys at my school. I certainly had nothing against people who were gay.

Maybe I just couldn't deal with it. I had a lot of things going on in high school including an eating disorder and a really chaotic home life. I kept myself really busy, immersed myself in activities.

Even in college I didn't really think much of it. Once I tried to have sex with a friend when I was drunk but rejection happened and I just wrote it off as drunk college life. I was in a 2 year relationship with a guy that I didn't really love or even like that much...not to mention was not at all sexually attracted to.

Idk...I just feel like I should have known sooner, like I should have known myself better than that.

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