the lesbiblog

My hair

2009-07-22T21:46:00.001-05:00

...is getting long.

It needs cut, asap! I have to make an appointment for tomorrow or Friday so it will be done before Vegas.

We leave Sunday!!!!!

Less than 2 Weeks!!!

2009-07-15T11:52:00.000-05:00

So there are less than 2 weeks til Vegas!!!! I am quite excited. 7 days off of work. In a row.

I don't quite know what to do with myself. I haven't had a week off work since I started this job in September 2005. That is nearly 4 years without a solid week of vacation.

This is much deserved!!!

So I finally came out to Karly

2009-07-14T07:40:00.000-05:00

Last week Karly and I were hanging out, doing our Big Brothers Big Sisters thing. We'd been to the mall, had lunch, and were chilling at the apartment watching a movie and doing some crafts. During some idle conversation, Karly asked me about my relationship with Kara. Something along the lines of "so how good of friends are you and Kara? like just friends who share an apartment or bff for life..." I had been pretty convinced for awhile that Karly definitely knew I was gay. We had had lots of conversations about how she liked gay people, she introduced me to her gay cousin, she asked about Kara regularly. Idk...she's 11. 11 year old's usually know a lot more than people think.

So Karly asked about our relationship and I just gave her this look like "really Karly". The conversation that insued:

Karly: What? Why are you giving me that look.
Me: Karly, you know that Kara and I are girlfriends right? Like dating, romantic type girlfriends...
Karly: What!!!
Me: Um...I thought you knew that I was a lesbian.
Karly: NO!!!! Omg. I mean it doesn't change anything but I definitely did not know.
Me: Oh. Um now this is awkward. I'm sorry! I would have told you a little more gracefully if I didn't think you already knew....I mean we ARE facebook friends!! Didn't you read my profile??? I thought maybe your mom told me. I mean she knows for sure.
Karly: No. Definitely she didn't tell me. *awkward silence....*
Me: Right so this is awkward now. Um if you have any questions I am definitely up for answering them. Sorry about this SOS of a situation...I really thought you knew.
Karly: At least I know a lesbian now right, lol!

Later her mom called to apoligise for never telling me that she didn't tell Karly. Anyways, I think everything is going to be fine but it was certainly not my smoothest moment!!!

Oops!
<3

Power 90

2009-07-13T11:36:00.003-05:00

Ok...so Kara and I are starting Power 90 today. Why? Well our current level of fitness and sexy muscles is low...and our ideal level of fitness and sexy muscles is higher... Our level of extra cash for the gym is low. This lead us to choose an at home workout regime.

Today we are taking measurements, doing a "fitness gram" (to gauge our level of current fitness), and actually doing the first workout. I am also taking some before pictures, but idk if Kara's going to do that part. It's not really her jam.

Anyways, I will try to update with our fantastic progress along our 90 day journey....prepared to be amazed.

OMG it's July!!!

2009-07-01T09:56:00.002-05:00

I feel like I haven't blogged in approximately forever. I did a little calculating and it seems that my approximation was a little off....but still.

What have I been up to?

I've been swimming with Karly a lot (BBBS)
Bought a new swimsuit
Bought new jeans (that are AMAZING!)
Bought plane tickets to Vegas
Worked a lot (almost got overtime last week lol)

I have also been taking a summer class online. Can I just mention how weird it is to be in school after being out for a year? It's even weirder that the class is online. I sort of forget about it, which is not the best, obviously. Anyways, I have to get studying for a test so I guess this is it for now.

<3

Stolen quiz about high school

2009-06-20T15:42:00.003-05:00

I never do quizzes....until today. That's all.

1. Did you date someone from your school?
No. I never dated anyone in high school.

2. Did you win anything in Seniors Who's Who?
Most likely to sleep in class and still get straight A's. Most likely to party. Most likely to move away. (Small HS=lots of titles!)

3. What kind of car did you drive?
1993 Chevy Lumina. Slate blue. I really didn't even hate it.

4. It's Friday night what are you doing?
Playing on the internet? Having eating disorder angst? Partying with my bff.

5. Were you a party animal?
My senior year, yes. Otherwise, no.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
Nope.

7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
No. Not so good at the music thing.

8. Were you a nerd?
Medium. Prolly the smartest kid in my class. Reasonably well adjusted. Only minor fixations with things like Harry Potter.

9. Did you get suspended/expelled?
Never. I did get a couple of detentions.

10. Do you remember your school fight song?
Yes. I was a cheerleader... um yeah.

11. Who were your favorite teachers?
Mr. Robison, Mrs. Case, Mr. Page, Mrs. Presnall,

12. Where did you sit during lunch?
At my table. It was just a table...

13.What was your school's full name?
pit of despair

14. Homecoming Court?
negative. i always announced the winner though, lol.

15. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
Maybe. It's hard to say really.

16. Where did you go Senior Ditch Day?
I went on a college tour (required by my school) and then to an awesome St. Patty's day party that lasted all afternoon/night!

17. Were you in any clubs?
Yearbook (2yrs), Basketball (3yrs), Softball (3yrs), Volleyball (4yrs), Cheerleading (4 yrs), Math League (4 yrs), Scholar's Bowl (3yrs), FCCLA (2 yrs), FBLA (2 yrs), Youth Leadership, Youth Friends....I think that's about it.

19. Who was your Senior Prom date?
some boy named Ben. he was funny, not romantically interested in me (or vice versa). it was for fun!

20. Do you plan on going to your 10 year reunion?
idk...probably

21. Who was your home room teacher?
it changed every year...

22. Did you play any sports?
Basketball, Volleyball, Softball, Cheerleading...see above

23. Do you still talk to people from high school?

Not really. Occasionally people find each other on facebook for that "reconnection" factor, but we don't talk regularly, or.. in most cases, EVER.

Car Washes

2009-06-14T09:49:00.000-05:00

I work next to a large empty parking lot next to the mall. Every Saturday from May-September, there is bound to be some sort of group having a car wash.

Once, just once, I wish there would be adults working at the car wash. Specifically hott adult females. Like this...
I don't even require that level of fitness or breast enhancement. I'd just like some hott college girls to raise money for something. Then I could go and get my car washed, donate some money for a good cause, and oogle some hott girls in bikinis. Just sayin'. As is I drive past and mutter about how 16 year old's dress these days and try to ignore the skin.

<3

You guys should come out with us...

2009-06-13T06:10:00.000-05:00

After Tuesday's karaoke adventure, Kara and I swore off alcohol (for at least a week). On Thursday, we had Taco Bell and were sitting at home watching Skins on DVD. Then I got a call from Alanna. Nate (a boy Alanna and I work with) and Wesley (his boyfriend) were going to the gay bar and she wanted us to go with. After minimal amounts of convincing, we agreed to go.

Thirty minutes later I found myself walking into the Joplin gay bar. I believe it was our third visit. At this point I started to realize just how small the Joplin gay community is. I knew about 75% of the people there (or at least recognized them and knew medium amounts about their lives). Maybe on the weekends there are different people out, but not during the week. I digress.

Before we left the house, I made a serious resolve not to become a drunken mess on this outing. I think that I was quite successful. I had about 3 margaritas, played some pool, did not feel tempted to do karaoke, did not make lots of new friends, and did not ignore my girlfriend and talk to some other girl for the entire night. Improvement.

Kara, on the other hand, did not have the same resolve. She suddenly went from being mellow and chill to sitting on Alanna's lap and making her take shots. It was quite entertaining. Every few minutes she'd realize she was being bad and make lots of cute apologies.

We managed to get home without much of a hitch. Alanna came with us to crash on our couch since she was too drunk to drive home. The debauchery continued at home and Kara threw coffee bags and spatulas (do not ask me why...they thought it was really funny though). We talked a lot about those random things you always seem to think of when drunk. Then Kara put in some Advanced Barista Training (latte art) dvd. Borrrrrrrrrring. At that point I remembered that I woke up at 5:45am and took my ass to bed.

It seems like we've been going out a lot lately. This has to stop. I'm never going out again (for at least a couple of weeks)!

<3

Karaoke Mess

2009-06-12T17:50:00.003-05:00

I got my way and went to big gay karaoke night on Tuesday. There were thunderstorms and tornado warnings until about 9:30pm, so when we finally got to Murphy's at 10:30pm, it wasn't exactly busy. There were about 25 or so people there and karaoke was definitely happening.

Unfortunately, it wasn't really the party I was hoping for. There was one emo boy who must have just gotten his heart broken. He sang really sad songs every time it was his turn (which was every fifth or sixth time). There were a couple of people who were actually really good though which mostly evened it out.

There was also a creepy straight dude who kept trying to weasel his way in with some lesbians. He didn't even speak English very well, which made for interesting conversations. Mostly it went like this:

Creepy Straight Dude: Are you two girls together?
Us: Yes (ignore)
CSD: You want some man?
Us: No thanks (ignore, walk away, loudly say what the fuck)
*rinse and repeat every time we got up to get more drinks*

I was mostly bored and just started drinking lots of beer and smoking lots of cigarettes. Kara was absorbed in texting. Our friend Alanna was just chilling. Nothing too exciting was happening at our table. About halfway through the night some girls Kara knows showed up (Caitlin and Megan). They sat down and made things a lot more interesting.

One thing led to another and we ended up at a party at Caitlin's house. We played beer pong (and almost won damnit!). There were a lot of people there and somehow I got seperated from Kara and Alanna. I think I spent most of the night smoking on the back porch with Megan and talked her leg off about god knows what. I was really, really drunk.

Finally, we got home around 3am and fell drunkenly into bed. Why is it when I say I'm going to go out and it's going to be really chill, I often end up getting really drunk and acting wild?

I think I'll blame it on the alcohol.
<3

Pride Karaoke

2009-06-09T16:02:00.003-05:00

So my favorite local karaoke bar/hole in the wall is having pride karaoke tonight (probably to raise money for the pride picnic in the park this weekend).

I really want to go. A lot.

How to convince Kara? She works til 10:30pm so idk if she'll be up for it....but it will be really fun. No cover. The guy who runs the karaoke makes your voice sound awesome. Joplin's finest gaymos. What more could you ask for?

Send positive vibes.
<3

Addicted!!!

2009-06-08T15:09:00.001-05:00

I bought Sims 3 for my iPod touch on Friday and have barely found the time to go to work, let alone shower or talk to my girlfriend! She's addicted too.

I just can't pull myself away! Help!

<3

Swimsuits

2009-06-06T20:58:00.003-05:00

Ugh. Swimsuits are the bane of my existence. Unfortunately, I really need a new one. The one I have is from 2005...so um 4 years.

Can I just say swimsuit shopping is hell. First you have to take off all your clothes (except panties are required by law blah blah blah) which takes forever. Then you try on the micro pieces of lycra in very unflattering light. Then you critique your body to death and wish you'd been tanning. Then you remember skin cancer. You still wish you'd been tanning or at least jogging. You remove micro-lycra nonsense and get dressed again. Then you go back out and search for a different size/color/fit/pattern. Repeat from the beginning. Decide you'd rather swim naked. Bounce.

Except then it's June and you still don't have a swimsuit. Which is where I am...angst! (above photo is one that I really like from Victoria's Secret but I'm about 85% sure that it would not be so great for my body type...)

<3

Things I really want to do in Vegas

2009-06-05T07:21:00.000-05:00

So after officially deciding that we are going to Las Vegas, the first thing we did yesterday was ask off of work. Done! One week vacation. This is good news!

Then I spent a couple of hours googling for things that I want to do while we're there. So far I've found a few things...

The Sirens of Treasure Island

A free show outside the Treasure Island hotel/casino. Basically a 20 minute sirens vs. pirates battle complete with fire and lots of scantily clad women.

The Show in the Sky

A free show at the Rio. A burlesque style show set to popular music. Three different performances with slightly different themes...all hott.

Cirque du Soleil: Zumantiy

Description from their website: "Zumanity, the Sensual Side of Cirque du Soleil, is a seductive twist on reality, making the provocative playful and the forbidden electrifying! Leave all inhibitions at the door and let loose as this adult-themed production takes you on a sexy thrill ride full of sensational acrobatics and naughty fun. Part burlesque and part cabaret, Zumanity is one full night you'll never forget! "

Not a free option but something we REALLY want to do.

<3

Vegas!

2009-06-04T14:56:00.002-05:00

We are going to Las Vegas the last week in July! I'm really, really excited.

I haven't been on an actual vacation since I was 16, so 5 years!!!

Excitement!!!

<3

I think she knows

2009-06-02T17:37:00.000-05:00

My Little. Karly. I think that she knows I'm a lesbian. Maybe her mom told her. Maybe she figured it out. Who knows? The problem is that I am pretty sure she knows.

Why is this a problem? I mean obviously I'm out at work, to my immediate family, and to all of my friends. Her mom knows I am a lesbian and is fine with it.

The reason I am worried about it is because I don't want her to think I am lying to her. I don't want her to think I'm hiding it from her (even though essentially I am). I just want her to trust me.

Now what do I do? Talk to her mom? Talk to her? Continue to ignore the situation?

<3

Here's your Check

2009-05-30T19:59:00.004-05:00

From time to time I get annoyed about the little things. One thing that is particularly annoying to me is how waiters/waitresses often assume that Kara is paying for dinner.

Am I not a gainfully employed adult? I wear more makeup and don't wear men's clothing. Does this mean I can't pay for dinner? For that matter when I occasionally eat with male friends they ALWAYS put the check in front of the guy I'm with. Couldn't they just put the check in the middle of the table every time, no matter who the customers?

Kara and I usually alternate paying for dinner and sometimes just split the check if our food is very expensive. Time and time again they put the check on her side of the table.

I guess I'd just like to put it out there that I'm not a fan.
<3

Summer

2009-05-29T13:12:00.003-05:00

It's pretty officially summer in my mind. I know it doesn't actually start until an arbitrary date on a calendar somewhere, but in my heart, it's summer.

The sun is shining. The grass is green. It smells like honeysuckle and sunscreen (ok so maybe the sunscreen is just me...). The point is that summer is here and I'm really thrilled about it.

Today is our day off. We woke up around 10am, went to the farmers market and bought some amazing looking broccoli and spinach. We ran by Starbucks and grabbed coffee. Now what to do?
It's a beautiful day. Maybe we'll go to a local park or go for a hike or something. Or maybe we'll call up a friend with a pool and lounge around on a raft.

One thing is for sure...what I want to do is celebrate the summer before it's the middle of August and it's so hot I can't bear it!

What a disappointment

2009-05-28T15:37:00.000-05:00

Forget my previous statement about not ranting about Prop 8. I am thoroughly disappointed in the state of California!

I know that the previous generation only hoped to be worrying about gay marriage. I know the in some states gay people can still be evicted from their homes or fired from their jobs just for being gay (hello Missouri).

I know that the fact it's even being talked about is a big deal, but it's not enough. LGBT individuals will eventually share all of the same rights as the rest of the population. It's just a matter of when.

Still, California has a history of being socially progressive. For me, a person who has always lived in the very conservative midwest, I like to look at more liberal states as a source of hope, as an example of changes that will hopefully make their way to middle America in the next decade. This is why I'm so disappointed that California upheld Prop 8. All the Missouri conservatives just nod their heads knowingly and say things like "it's about time people in California got some sense," and well that just makes me feel sad and defeated.

<3

Hottness of the Week: Ellen Page

2009-05-26T16:26:00.000-05:00

Because I don't actually have anything interesting to post about and I refuse to rant about Prop 8 on my blog...at least for now.

Ellen Page. She's hott.

She's also working very closely with Drew Barrymore to make that roller derby movie...and we all know roller derby is hott!!!

They have been hanging out a lot and I'm hoping they are happily fucking.

Page is good at rocking the androgyny card. Especially in the film Hard Candy (screen shot below).

I particularly like this last photo...

<3

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!!!

2009-05-23T11:52:00.001-05:00

I am going out tonight...yay!
Beers + queers = success!
<3

Hello...maintance!

2009-05-21T09:29:00.000-05:00

Last week on a lazy Thursday afternoon, Kara and I were enjoying a quiet morning around the apartment. We made espresso, breakfast, and were just lounging around. Well one thing led to another and soon enough we found our way back to bed (surprise, surprise).

Our clothes were off, the windows were open, and we were having really hott sex. Suddenly we heard a noise. We stopped for a second, decided it must have been outside, and resumed our (somewhat noisy) sex. A few seconds later we heard a louder noise and a man's voice, "Hello...maintaince, it's Randy."

Fuck!!!!

I scrambled into some clothes (after slamming the bedroom door closed) and Kara hid in the bathroom. I went into the kitchen/living room area to see what the hell Randy was doing. He was tooling around with the thermostat in the living room and said, "I'm here to fix the air conditioner". Oh right the air conditioner wasn't working. I felt really awkward since I was certain he heard us having sex, my hair looked wild, I wasn't wearing a bra, and my face was flushed. Fan-fucking-tastic. I washed my hands nervously in the kitchen because I figured I probably smelled like sex. Finally he banged around on the AC and proclaimed that he didn't really know what is wrong or if it's fixed. Then he told me to close the windows and not to forget the ones in the bedroom (awkward). Finally he left.

WTF. I know that I left the landlord a note but I'm pretty sure they are supposed to call before they come over and have to let me know 24 hours in advance of thy will be in my apartment when I'm not there. Also if you enter an apartment and hear sex noises coming from the bedroom you should probably come back later!!!!!

Birth control and straight periods

2009-05-20T07:42:00.000-05:00

Gotta love a title like that! I have decided to do perk/pitfall Wednesdays. I will declare some entertaining perks and pitfalls of lesbian life and you will be amused. Ok? Ok!

Perk: No more birth control pills! Thank goodness. They made me moody, cause vaginal dryness (sexy huh?), and made my periods hell. I could never remember to take them. Goodbye fake hormones!

Pitfall: Straight periods. Yeah, that's right. Kara and I have straight periods. In protest of our depraved lifestyle they have refused to syncronize. Bitches!

<3

I got the promotion!

2009-05-19T16:13:00.000-05:00

Yay! My manager told me yesterday...after a few weeks of training I will officially be a shift supervisor.

That's all!

<3

Graduation update

2009-05-19T16:12:00.001-05:00

Well graduation was Sunday and I lived through the day. Success!

First Kara got mad at me because she felt under dressed and wished I would have told her more about the dress code before hand. Fair enough! Turns out her outfit was fine anyways.

Fast forward to graduation. I felt the eyes of a lot of people but thankfully nothing too awkward happened. Ironicly enough the 40ish lady who had a live in girlfriend for several years sat right behind us (with her husband, this gross burly man...ick).

My dad came and there was a very awkward exchange between him and my brother. Fortunately it was civil which is a start.

I talked to him while Kara was in the bathroom to minimize the uncomfortable factor. Later dad came over to where the two of us were standing and talked to me, completly ignoring Kara. Mom rescued her and they went in a different area of the gym. As Kara walked away he looked her up and down and seemed very unimpressed by her existance. The awkward father saga continues!

<3

Degrees of Friendship

2009-05-18T06:28:00.000-05:00

For my lesbian timeline series I have been mapping out a rough timeline. As part of the process I have a list of all the girls along the way. I sort of have them categorized by degrees of friendship in my mind. Here is my personal friendship scale.

The scale starts at completely platonic friendship. This includes reasonable time spent together, normal friend activities, no sexual tension, and no sexual or romantic contact.

The next step is a middle ground that I call a 'homance'. You might have heard the term 'bromance' before. Well this is the female equalivent. The defining characteristic is the ammount of time spent together (every waking moment) and the type of activities enjoyed (dinner and a movie). This relationship is not romantic or sexual but takes as much time and energy as a relationship.

The third type of friendship, the passionate friendship, I had never really heard of until I read the book Same Sex in the City. According to the book, a passionate friendship is a "friendship that doesn't allow itself (due to inhibition/lack of recognition/lack of language/social sanction) to develop a 'proper' relationship." I was glad to have words to describe this mess of a friendship. Key indicators include sexual tension, a serious crush held by one or both parties, flirtation and inuendo without acknowledgement, and a near relationship type friendship (without the sex). These often happen when straight girls are involved and often end in heartache, yearning, and drama.

The end if this scale is of course an actual romantic relationship that includes sex.

I know that there are lots of other types of friendships and I am by no means trying to make any iron clad definitions, but I just thought I'd give you a little background of my classifications so that when I say "I had a total homance with D," it makes sense.

<3

Ugh! How long does it take

2009-05-17T07:51:00.000-05:00

How long does it take to run a background check? It has been two and a half weeks since my background check was sent off.

I would really like to know for certain that I got the promotion at work. The district manager basically said I needed to go to a training meeting next week even if my background check isn't back, which indicates to me that I have the position. I know my background check is fine. Still it would be nice to stop wondering (and get a raise and a week if paid training!!!)

My patience is running out, lol!

<3

What if...?

2009-05-16T07:01:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about high school more than usual over the past couple of days, due to my brother's upcoming graduation, and playing a little game of what if. What if I realized I was gay while I was still in high school?

Would I have came out to my parents? Friends? Anyone? I'm not really sure. I spent a lot of time online so the first person I came out to would almost certainly have been from the fourm I was a part of. Since I lived in such a small town if I told even one person, everyone would have known within days. I'm pretty sure that I would have told my parents first and eventually my friends. Hell I might have had a party (ok so probably not).

I wonder how people would have reacted? My hometown is a pretty conservative place and homophobia is basically everywhere, mostly due to ignorance and inexperience. It was almost encouraged for boys to play "smear the queer" at recess when I was a kid. The term fag is often used as an insult for just about everything. Even adults say "that's so gay". I've heard teachers tell crying little boys not to be such fairies.

Surprisingly, the two openly gay boys who went to my high school didn't have too rough of a time as far as I remember. The 40ish woman who divorced her husband and moved a woman in months later was a hot piece of gossip for awhile but I don't think anyone was ever actually rude to them. Still there has never been an out lesbian at my high school to my knowledge.

When you are in high school in a really small town with a lesbian population of 2 (both in their 40s and together) who do you date? Where do you meet girls?

Scary thought: would I have had a girlfriend before college? Dated? Had sex?

Sometimes I just can't help but wonder.
<3

I miss The L Word

2009-05-15T12:13:00.004-05:00

I know the last season was crazy and a little lame. I know that Ilene Chailken is a nutter. I know that it's over.

Still...I miss it. I wish The L Word was still on. I wish they would do another season...or a movie. I feel like I didn't get any closure. Hell we didn't even find out who killed Jenny, not that it even matters since the whole plot line was stupid.

I would like another lesbian drama to watch. That's all.

<3

Hottness of the Week: Lilly Allen

2009-05-13T10:55:00.000-05:00

I really like Lilly Allen a lot. I first discovered her on Ellen a couple of months ago.

Then I heard a few of her songs and liked her even more. I'm a sucker for accents.

I googled her one afternoon and found out she made a habit of going braless and tanning topless (despite the fact that her breasts aren't perfect and round or fake, go team real boobs!)

She is also bff with Lindsay Lohan, which worried me a little at first. Now I realize this could lead to a drunken hookup? A girl can hope right?

Also they got matching shhh tattoos on their index fingers (which turned out to be embarasing since Rihanna already had one). I want this tattoo lol.

And of course Lilly Allen loves the gays. I like her new video/song Fuck You...google it!

<3

My brother is graduating!

2009-05-12T07:17:00.002-05:00

My brother is graduating high school this Sunday afternoon. There were many times I worried that this day would never come, but he has made it and on time. I'm pretty proud BUT (there's always a but) a little worried about attending the graduation.

Concern #1: My father. My dad and brother don't really talk anymore and there's a lot of tension there. Will he come? Surely he will attend the graduation of his own son. Will it be awkward? Will I be drug in the middle yet again?

Concern #2: Being at my old high school. I grew up in a town of about 1200 people. I'm sure word has gotten around that I'm a lesbian but this will be the first really public event that I'm taking Kara too. Also the first public event that my dad will be at that I'm taking Kara to. Also lots of people my age who I haven't seen in forever will be there, which causes anxiety regardless.

Concern #3: I have nothing to wear.

Help!

<3

Experimenting

2009-05-11T07:03:00.000-05:00

I was thinking of a new series of posts that I want to do about my past and all the little things that indicated I might be a lesbian that I never really took note of. Sort of a lesbian timeline, lol. I was trying to think of the first time I ever did anything sexual or had romantic feelings for a girl.

The first tume i ever "did someting" with a girl i was just a kid. As a small child I did a lot of experimenting. I would say that I was oversexed but maybe it's completly normal.

At age 6 I made some boy show me his penis. I was not impressed.

At age 7 I had several encounters with girls. They basically included oral sex and nipple stimulation. Also lots of grinding and making out. Most of them occurred within a group of three of us but a couple of times it was just me and another girl. I think there were a total of five girls all together that I had contact with.

Idk. I just think it's weird. I was never molested or sexually abused. I was the one initiating most of this contact. I have never spoken to any of them about this, even though I was friends with most of them throughout high school.

<3

Toilet Paper

2009-05-10T06:53:00.000-05:00

Can I just say that there are a couple of munor inconviences that result from being a lesbian (or at least from living with a woman, lol). No I'm not talking about asshole people or discrimination. Today I want to talk about toliet paper.

Kara and I go through so much more toilet paper than I did when I lived with a boy. It seems like we are out once every two days. I guess this would apply to straight girls living together but I never really remember it being so drastic with my old roomates.

I think we might have to start buying super sized packages from Sam's Club or something!

<3

I love my girlfriend!

2009-05-09T08:06:00.001-05:00

The other day I realized I don't really talk about Kara much on my blog. I talk about random girls who flirt with me and girls that I think are hott, but I don't have much to say about the girl I love. Does this seem fair? Not really.

Kara is an amazing part of my life. I can't really imagine my life without her. She is smart, funny, passionate, caring, and sexy. She always has good advice, ranging from the trivial (when you pin back your bangs your haircut looks much less cool) to the important. I love spending time with her. It doesn't matter if we are just watching our latest tv obsession on DVD (Skins!), having an adventure at Wildcat Park (there is a huge hill to climb that puts you on top of a breath-taking cliff), or eating at Festival, our favorite local Mexican resturant.

Basically I wake up every day feeling like the luckiest girl alive (ok as long as it isn't 4:30 am) and I just want everyone to know.

<3

Do you know who I am?

2009-05-08T09:48:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago Kara and I were eating dinner at Chili's (yum black bean burgers!) in Pittsburg, a nearby town that I went to college in.

Our waitress looked a little familar to me, but I just assumed she had been in one of my classes at Pitt State. She had a TON of makeup on and was realy, really tanned. I didn't think much of it. Kara and I both ordered Patroń margaritas (delicious I might add) and she checked our ID's. After looking at mine she said, "Shut up! Do you know who I am?" Of course as soon as she said that I knew exactly who she was!

Her name is Talia and she is my ex-step sister. My dad married her mom when I was about 5 or 6 and divorced her when I was 10 or 11. I think she is about 7 years older than I am. The last time I saw her her was probably ten years ago. She has lost about 40 pounds, spent hours in a tanning bed, and started applying makeup with a very heavy hand!

Running into Talia was one of the most random things that has happened to me in a long, long time. Maybe I should add her to facebook? Or maybe not, it might just be too weird.

<3

Clover Girl

2009-05-07T09:32:00.000-05:00

One day last week I had a very interesting day at work. I was bringing a load of pastries from a store across town to my store. I parked my car by the curb and went inside to get the dolly. I brought it outside and was in the middle of propping the door open when out walked a customer.

She was about 5'10, had short dark hair, and looked like she just went on a shopping spree in the men's section of American Eagle (complete with pink AE boxers I might add). She usually comes in once a week with her mom and gets some sort of extra caramel with whipped cream breve caramel macchiato.

Anyways, she came outside and said, "oh honey you don't have to do that I'll hold the door open for you". I let her hold the door and then she asked if I needed help lifting the boxes. I reassureed her that I could handle it. After I finished I thanked her and put away my car. It was obvious she was flirting with me but I was being good and not really flirting back (much).

I made my way back inside the store and started working the drive thru. It got busy for a couple of minutes but I noticed that that girl was doing something out in the grass by the drive thru lane right by the window. I knew it had something to do with me but I wasn't really sure what.

Sure enough after I got the last car through she started making her way over. I asked her if she found something in the grass. Indeed she had not one but two four leaf clovers in her hand. She said, "I picked a four leaf clover for you. Everyone thinks they are really hard to find but I think it's pretty easy if you know where to look." This was accompanied by a lot of intense eye contact and obviously meant to hold a double meaning (lesbians aren't so hard to find if you know where to look). I sort of mumbled around a thank you and managed to smile. Clover girl then threw around some compliments and the word sweetheart a few times and strutted away.

I kid you not this all really happened!!!

My immediate reactions in no particular order: fuck my girlfriend is going to kill me!; yay I set off some girl's gaydar enough for her to give me a clover; clover girl is kind of hott; probably I get a lesbian badge for this; shit I forgot what that other customers order was; how am I going to explain this clover to my boss!

For the record Kara is not at all worried about clover girl. She thinks picking a "weed" for someone is not really the best form of flirting. Mostly I think she just knows how completly in love with her I am!

Also the next time I see clover girl I will definitely find a way to casually drop the girlfriend bomb into conversation. Leading girls on is not my thing. Besides I need lesbifriends...I think we have a candidate.
<3

My little is awesome

2009-05-06T21:54:00.000-05:00

I met my little earlier and she is awesome!!! We went to dinner at Panera Bread and then had Italian cream sodas with coconut at Books a Million. She talked my leg off.

Next week we are watching a movie and maybe doing some crafts since she has a broken foot. Crutches make anything that involves a lot of walking no fun.

Still not sure when to tell Karly that I'm gay but I'm sure I'll know when the time is right.

<3

I'm meeting my little today

2009-05-06T06:47:00.001-05:00

Tonight at 5pm I'm meeting my new little sister with BBBS! I can't wait. Her name is Karly and she is 11.

The meeting last Friday with her mom went really well. We mostly talked about Karly and why her mom wanted to get her involved with the program. Surprisingly enough there wasn't any talk at all about me being gay. I guess her mom is cool. I kind of wish that there had been though. I would have liked a little input from her about when she thought I should bring it up with Karly.

Idk advice anyone? I don't really think I'm going to bring it up during our first outing unless she specifically asks me if I'm dating anyone or whatever. I feel the need to google some tips about coming out to children...

<3

Interview Update

2009-05-05T07:14:00.000-05:00

So remember how I was applying for that shift supervisor possition last week. Yeah well the interview went pretty well. I feel like I talked about all the things I wanted too and I didn't get too flustered.

The other person applying didn't end up applying after all. They haven't officially offered me the position but I filled out a ten page background check and my background is clean.

I'm excited! I will be making a little more money too and I will finally be in a leadership position in my store.

<3

Hottness of the Week: Megan Fox

2009-05-04T18:57:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in forever! I don't even have any excuses lol. Anyways here's a hottness of the week to make you love me again.

Without further ado, the beautiful miss Megan Fox!

Something about girls working on cars really turns me on.

Apparently she visited a Starbucks here in Joplin a couple of days ago. I was not fortunate enough to be present for this event.

Also the whole library thing is hott.

That's all folks.
<3

Interview on Monday

2009-04-26T14:35:00.000-05:00

I have an interview for a shift supervisor position at my store tomorrow morning! I'm a little nervous...and um yeah that's really all...cross your fingers.

The other guy applying has tons more experience but I am really awesome at my job so that may or may not matter. What's the worst that could happen? Oh wait, I would just keep the job I have now.

<3

I have a potential BBBS match!

2009-04-23T09:25:00.001-05:00

Today Jessica from BBBS called with good news; she has found a potential match for me! The girl is 11 years old and her name is Karly.

Without spilling her entire life story, I think she's a great match for me. She has recently divorced parents and is struggling with depression and either has or had bulimia. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I suffered from depression and had an eating disorder as a teenager. Also she's tall and really smart. Twinz. Ok well obviously we aren't twins but I feel like I have actual life experiences that will be helpful for her.

Yeah...needless to say I am excited!

The process goes something like this from here:
•Jessica, her mom Kari, and I will all meet on May 1st and talk about Jessica and how I am the perfect big sister for her
•The next day her mom and I will both call Jessica and give her a yes or a no
•If there is a no the process starts over. If both of us say yes then we set up a meeting with Jessica, the mom, Karly, and of course me.
•Provided that goes well Karly and I will have our first outing.
•There might be some sort of training or something along the way...I'm not sure

Yay I'm actually doing this!
<3

Lesbifriends

2009-04-22T09:35:00.000-05:00

I want more gay friends...more specifically more lesbian friends. No offense but I know pleanty of gay boys and while they can be fun that's not what I want right now.

I guess jumping right into my relationship with Kara sort of led me away from trying to male friends with other lesbians when I was first coming out. I was pretty consumed in her and wasn't really interested in anything else, especially tring to meet other lesbians.

<3

CLGB friend date

2009-04-21T10:27:00.001-05:00

Saturday night I have a friend date with "cute little gay boy" (mentioned before in the post about St. Louis Pride). I will reffering to him as CLGB.

I'm about 98% convinced that this boy (age 18) is gay. I won't go into all the examples but no one is going to be very surprised when he finally comes out. The problem is that he's just not quite even there yet...I'm not even sure if he knows that he'd gay. The second problem is that he is still in high school and his family is very Catholic.

Anyways, he works with my girlfriend and he got into an argument with her. She suggested that some girl he knows might be gay. He said no. She suggested that maybe she was gay but didn't really know it yet, she's still in high school. He argued that Kara knew in high school. Kara just laughed and said not everyone knows in high school and asked if he ever met me, lol.

Anyways shortly after that he said we need to go out on Saturday night. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this kid...

What if he comes out to me? That would make my life better...and make me feel very important...

That's all.
<3

Apartment Situation...

2009-04-20T07:10:00.000-05:00

I'm a little worried about our apartment situation. Here is the back story.

I rent a one bedroom apartment. It's low income. I think funded partially by HUD? Idk. All I know is the rent is cheap and I had to qualify to live there. I moved in in August. Kara has never spent a night away from the apartment. She has officially lived there since October (aka started paying half the rent and finished her hostile takeover of the closet).

The apartments are infamously hard to get into...but I knew some people who had lived there and happened to know someone who was moving. Then when I filled out the application I name dropped Jesus and Vacation Bible School. Keep in mind I don't really identify as Christian but everyone I know who has lived there went to Christian College and the lady had Jesus pictures and stuff all over the office. Anyways she called the next day to say I got in.

Fast forward to now...mostly I'm just a little worried the land lady is going to find out that two people live in our apartment and that we're gay and then we'll have to move. Technically Kara's address is still with her parents but idk if the post office is really the deciding factor in these things... Also sometimes we have sex a little loudly...what if our neighbors complain or something?

Random things I worry about...oh the midwest. Have you ever had to name drop Jesus to get into an apartment?

<3

Lesbian Identity Crisis

2009-04-19T08:46:00.000-05:00

Currently I'm having what I've affectionately dubbed my little "lesbian identity crisis". It's been happening for the last few months.

I just feel like I don't know a lot of things. I'm sure it's all a normal part of coming out (and being 21 years old). All of my life I just assumed I was straight (oh how did I not figure this out sooner?) and I guess that sort of filtered the way I acted and the things I assumed that I'd be expected to do.

Except now I'm not expected to do ANY of those things (well maybe a few, but still). On one hand, it's like I'm free to do whatever I want...but on the other hand how am I supposed to know what it is that I want? I'm just a kid? Wait I'm 21. People always tell me how together I am but sometimes I just feel like an insecure mess.

You know in high school all the time you spend testing out different "identities". There's the punk phase and the preppy phase and on and on. You cycle through friends and activities and hobbies until you figure out what fits you. I feel like I need to do that again. Like the time I spent trying vainly to be interested in boys needs to be spent doing other things. But what things?

I feel the need to find community and make friends with other lesbians. But I don't really know any...which of course makes things a little difficult. But this is an entirely different issue (and another post).

I just feel the need to be different. To metamorphosize. To evolve. To have a tangible difference between my "straight life" and my "gay life". I feel like there should be a dividing line or something.

Idk. I feel like I've been rambling on without a thought to cohesion or anything of the sort.

And so this is sort of why I cut my hair. I think getting your hair cut can be very cleansing. Therapeutic. A physical difference between the person you are and the person you were?

Meh. I think I should stop rambling about this now...maybe more another day.
<3

I cut my hair!!!

2009-04-18T16:22:00.006-05:00

Lately I've been having what I've affectionately dubbed my "lesbian identity crisis". It's a pretty long angsty story, but for now we'll just talk about my hair.

I was pretty over it. It was super long and blonde and I never really did anything with it. About 90% of the time it went in a ponytail and it didn't really look that amazing. Don't get me wrong, I have thick gorgeous hair that's wavy but not curly. This means that it curls really well, straightens pretty well, and looks decent if I just put some goo in it and let it dry. I have fantastic hair but I just never did much with it. Anyone who has super thick hair knows that takes forever to get dry. Add this to the length and it's tangly and a mess.

So I google imaged some people who had hair that I liked. My biggest hair inspiration is Leisha Hailey. I love her hair!!! It looks good long. It looks good short. It looks good curly. It looks good in pigtails. It looks good. Period.

I decided I was ready to get rid of some of the length (ok, a lot of it really) and found some pics to take to my hair girl (Dani...who is amazing). Pics:

The next day I call and get a hair appointment. Excitement!!! She got me in on the same day (yesterday)! I showed her the pictures and she told me that it wasn't really going to look like the picture because of my thick hair (ugh blessing + pain in the ass!). She thought she could do something similar but a little longer and I trust her so I said go for it.

So this was my hair last week...

...and this is my hair today!

It's a little more Paige than Alice...

...but I like it a LOT!

What do you think?
<3

Office Max is where the girls are at?

2009-04-13T20:05:00.003-05:00

I walk into Office Max to get something printed since my printer is out of ink. I walk through the door and some girl asks me if I need help. Anyone who's been shopping with me before knows that I usually don't look like I need help. I have a sense of purpose or something. Anyways, even when I need help, no one asks.

So the girl asks if I need help. I respond politely and she directs me to the printing center...after she blatantly looks me up and down and makes a lot of eye contact. Hmmmm...

I don't really think much of it until the girl at the print desk sends my gaydar into overdrive. Men's khakis, wallet, short hair, attitude...check. Print girl completely prioritizes my order over the two in front of me. She talks to me the whole time about Dollhouse (Eliza Dushku) and how she thinks the star is really hott then she gives me my 9 cent print for free and tells me to have a nice day...

Then I proceed to wander around the notebooks (because I'm a total nerd and love office supplies) and a third girl asks me if I need help. Well she was just doing her job and didn't really do anything exciting but I thought it would be entertaining if I said there were three...that's all.

Moral of this story: Office Max is where the ladies are at!
<3

Pictures...because I can

2009-04-11T16:41:00.004-05:00

Right. So now I want to post pictures of myself, my girlfriend, and a couple of random things around our apartment...because I can. :)

This is me.

Sometimes I wear pink

This is Kara.

Sometimes she's a bad.

These are my feet. This picture makes me look really really tall. I'm 5'9. Let's be honest, it's not exactly short. Kara is short. She's only 5'4. Make fun.

This is a bookshelf Kara and I made. Cool? Or would you never allow pink in your house, lol?

We're doing the kitchen in orange. I'm a big fan of these pot holders. They have silicone and are amazing.

I feel like this was a really random blog post of pictures. Soon i will hopefully have zoo pictures!
<3

AWOL

2009-04-10T11:36:00.001-05:00

Um so I was AWOL for a couple of days. I feel like I haven't blogged much lately!

Tuesday I worked at 5am, went to the dentist, went to the circus, and had a huge fight with K.

Wednesday I took K to the Tulsa zoo (who said I don't know how to get out of the doghouse?), drove around downtown Tulsa, went to Whole Foods for the first time (omg amazing and cheaper than local stores of a similar nature), and had some amazing veggie burritos from Taco Bueno. Side note: the Tulsa zoo has some cool jewelry!! I think both K and I spent $15 or something. I got a really cool black bamboo cloth bracelet that says "eco warrior" and a peace bracelet.

Thursday I woke up in excruciating dental pain and had to have yet another emergency dental appointment. I think we have finally reached a solution that will keep me out of pain until my root canal! After the dentist we had to go to a birthday dinner for Kara's mom.

So yeah, it's been a busy couple of days!!! I have some pictures I'm going to put up soon of K and I and some of the zoo.

Also my garden is getting impressive! There are something like 20 pepper sprouts, 10 cilantro sprouts, and 4 or 5 spinach sprouts. The strawberries are starting to recover from the shock of being transplanted and there are two little strawberries growing! If only it would stay warm!

<3

Maybe you shouldn't talk about that on the floor...

2009-04-06T16:15:00.002-05:00

Today at work was my three and a half year review! Wow...it doesn't really seem that long (and at the same time it feels like forever).

We talked about the usual stuff: how I am amazing at my job, how much I do for the store, and how my approach for coaching conversations could use some finesse, etc.

Then comes this: "I don't know how to put this but maybe you shouldn't discuss your sexuality on the floor."

What!

I was just like really? Really? And then went into a fifteen minute lecture on how I was completely allowed to discuss my sexuality and relationship on the floor just like every other person who works there. And he didn't get for at least the first few minutes how his discussions of daily life and mine are exactly the same...mine are just a little more controversial since I'm a lesbian. I think he finally got it, finally understood that it's just implied in everything he says and does that he's straight but that sometimes I have to say that I'm gay or things don't make sense.

Idk. He wasn't trying to be rude. He wasn't trying to offend. I think a little he was even trying to protect me. Indeed he did say, "Cassie, this is the midwest we're talking about here."

I just feel a little frustrated by it all. He quoted company policy on not discussing religion and politics on the floor (which he has done with me a million times, in conversations he started...).

He also mentioned that it might make another employee uncomfortable (me talking about being gay...not my sex life, just being gay).

Fact: the company is very adamant about embracing diversity (not tolerating, embracing).

Fact: if another employee has a problem with me being a lesbian, that is his/her problem. If they can't cope, they are the ones in trouble, not me.

Of course I explained all of this to him. By the end of the conversation he seemed totally on my side and sort of like he regretted saying anything. He was worried he'd offended me or made me mad.

Mostly I just feel like I'm a learning experience for him. Like I'm the trial and error. Like I'm the one who's adjusting his was of thinking about gay people. And like that's a little weird...but hey, at least he's learning right?

<3

The L Word lesbian checklist

2009-04-04T14:00:00.001-05:00

Let's face it, lesbians on The L Word are a special breed. There's a pretty long list of requirements to be included. There are a few things that just strike me as really ridiculous.

• Go braless all the time (especially in season 1)
• Have a piece of artwork featuring a nude woman hanging in the bedroom
• Make a kazillion dollars but dont spend much time at your job
• Have sex in public places and never get arrested or even caught

These are the things I think about at work! Anyways, what other ridiculous things do The L Word cast members seem to do a lot?

<3

Go Iowa!

2009-04-03T12:31:00.000-05:00

In case you missed it, Iowa legalized gay marriage today! Win!

Missouri and Iowa, we're neighbors...and it's a little unbelievable for me. I mean hello, this IS the midwest. I'm not really sure if this is going to make things better here in Missouri or not.

Currently it's still legal to discriminate against people based on sexuality here (in the workplace and in housing). Technically my landlord could kick me out tomorrow and my boss could fire me based soley on the fact i'm a lesbian. Lame. There is a bill going through right now (um I can't remember if it's in the house or senate though). What I'm afraid of is that the Missouri conservatives are going to have a big fit about gay marriage being legal so close to home and get really vocal about it essentially leading to the bill not being passed. On the flip side, all the positive attention could possibly help (I'm trying here)?

But anways horray for Iowa. It passed by something like 70% I think.
<3

Sometimes I just feel...

2009-04-02T12:57:00.000-05:00

...really frustrated. Like everyone is complaining about all this stupid stuff that they aren't even trying to fix.

With one specific person, let's call her P, I feel like I've spent about a bazillion hours giving her advice about her problems and her life and she never does anything...she just complains and whines and let's her life happen.

Frustration!
/rant

<3

April Fools...

2009-04-01T15:25:00.003-05:00

The L Word the Musical!

This post on Afterellen.com basically made my April Fool's day. It's not my favorite holiday and I especially hate stupid pranks in real life but in internet life, I <3 April Fools!

Also that post was sooooooo believable. It seems like something Ilene Chaiken would do now doesn't it?
<3

Good idea or recipe for disaster?

2009-04-01T14:40:00.004-05:00

I know a boy that I'm about 99% sure is gay. Let's call him cute little gay boy or CLGB. He's not even out yet to himself. Everything about him set off my gaydar and the more I get to know him, the more I am convinced he's gay.

Once I took him to a porn shop (with some other people...ugh, long story) and I saw him peeking at some postcards with naked men all over them. I also saw him looking at some very fabulous underwear and a bunch of other stuff that straight boys would just not be interested in. There were lots of pictures of boobs. No interest.

He's also made a lot of comments about not being interested in women or the female body. One day he said something about who he's interested in to the effect of "I don't really know who it is or who I like. Sometimes I feel like I have all these secrets, even from myself and it's going to take a special person to unlock them..." Hmm.

Anyways. I'm trying to get a group of people together to go to St. Louis Pride this summer and do some volunteer work for Starbucks. This makes it way easier to get us all off work!

Should I invite him? I'm not really sure if he'd come, but I kind of think so. Is this even a good idea or is it a recipe for disaster? Mostly I think he's started to maybe consider that he might be gay and being surrounded by a lot of gay people might be good for him...or maybe just traumatic.
<3

Testing 1,2

2009-03-30T20:32:00.000-05:00

So I downloaded a blogging app for my itouch because it hates blogging for some reason...Hopefully this works better than safari...

So yeah that's about it. Was this the coolest blog post ever? At least there was a little Carmen right?
<3

Same Sex in the City

2009-03-29T19:44:00.004-05:00

I really like books that are compilations of short stories or essays. I like them even more when they are about lesbians. If they include a coming out story I award bonus points! One of my favorite sorts of books is Same Sex in the City: (So Your Prince Charming is Really a Cinderella) by Lauren Levin and Lauren Blitzer. (Amazon.com link)

It's not really a work of literary genius but it's funny and it's real. It's several chapters that have some advice from the two authors (Lauren & Lauren) and several short essays/interviews that fit with the theme of the chapter. Chapters include topics like passionate friendships, coming out, first time sex, and the intensity between two women. The book had a LOT of stories that I could relate to.

My favorite chapter was probably Passionate Friendships. Idk if anyone in the real life refers to them as passionate friendships (overly close/intense friendships that aren't really sexual but are much more like a relationship than a friendship, often had between a gay girl and a straight girl before one of them figures out that she's gay). I'd never really heard anyone talk about friendships like this, and I had a really intense passionate friendship with one of my friends. When I was coming out this was in my "evidence of lesbianhood" category and mostly people just thought it was strange and abnormal. Apparently lots of other people have had very similar situations...and well it made me feel a little less alone.

The thing I disliked most about the book was the sort of "hey hott popular pretty girls can be lesbians too" vibe that it had... I think that most people are aware that lesbians come in all shapes/sizes/degrees of femininity.

Anyways...if you're coming out or have a love for reading books of essays about girls who like girls, you should give it a try. Bonus points for the fun title.
<3

My interview is over!

2009-03-27T15:26:00.003-05:00

In case I haven't mentioned it twice already (My interview is in 3 hours, Big Brother Big Sisters Interview) I had my BBBS interview today.

I was feeling a little nervous about it this morning. Mostly because my house was a mess.

I got home and cleaned my house. In the middle of that my ex, Matt, started texting me. Somehow we got on the subject of BBBS and he said that he knew the guy who was helping run it and he's a big conservative. He gave a lot of unsolicited advice about hiding my sexuality. I politely explained that I have no desire to volunteer with a group that discriminates against lesbians. I also explained their nondiscrimination policy.

Regardless of my stand on the situation, I got a little worried about it. I've never really had anyone openly be rude to me because of my gayness and I wasn't really sure how I'd feel about it. I got my house cleaned. I sat on the couch.

All of my worrying was for nothing! The interview went really well!

Come to find out, the girl, Jessica, who did my interview is a lesbian. I saw her take inventory of the little things around my house that would indicate that I'm gay but there was no judgment. Then we got to the questionnaire. She was REALLY gender neutral about asking if I was in a relationship and how my "significant other" would feel about me being in BBBS.

Then at the end of the sheet was a final question: What is your sexuality? I was just like, um I'm a lesbian. She laughed and was like, "Yeah I saw The L Word dvds. Don't worry, I'm family. . ." This for some reason confused me, but thankfully she clarified for me that she was a lesbian.

And then we chatted about our big gay lives and the rest of the application process...and everything was great and probably I'll have a little in the next month or so!
<3

My interview is in 3 hours!

2009-03-27T11:38:00.003-05:00

So my big brothers big sisters (BBBS) interview is really soon! I'm feeling a little nervous. Also I have a lot of stuff to do still. The house needs picked up, the dishes washed, and I don't even know what I'm going to wear!

Deep breath right? That will help.

Oh and a list and some music. Everything will be ok!
<3

Boobs

2009-03-26T14:58:00.003-05:00

I, Cassie, would like to declare my love affair with boobs.

They might be the best thing about being a lesbian. Every day you wake up, and right next to you are boobs. Well assuming you have a gf (or wife, fuck buddy, whatev) who is sleeping in your bed.

Boobs are soft. They look nice. They feel good against your skin in any of the bazillion ways they can be pressed against you. They're fun to play with. You can put your face in them. They also have nipples. Those are fun.

I feel a little sorry for straight girls and gay boys. They don't really have any boobs to play with. I don't really think they know what they are missing (for the most part) but still. Boobs are a big win!

My gardening adventure

2009-03-25T16:07:00.004-05:00

A week or so ago, Kara and I headed to Home Depot with a gift card we got for Christmas and got most of the stuff we needed to start our garden. We're doing a little container garden on our very tiny patio.

Monday after I got off work, I got hit by a wave of motivation and decided to get started planting stuff! Then I decided to take a bunch of pictures, and well here they are.

First I got everything planted. There are strawberry transplants in the hanging basket (that's on the ground for now due to wind!), the yellow pot is cilantro, and the tan pot is spinach.

I started peppers indoors. We LOVE peppers and eat a lot of them, so this is the most important one for us. Peppers, however, need a warm climate to grow...so for now they are in the hot water heater closet. Pardon the junk!

I've started projects like this before, and let's just say I'm a little forgetful. I start off all gung ho but then everything falls apart. Follow through is not my strong point. So I decided to make a lot of little notes to remind me to water them.

Apparently this one seems a little naughty. I guess the word garden on the bathroom mirror reminds Kara of lady garden? Lol, I'm sure our visitors will love it.

I also made a couple notes about the light in the closet...

Then I made lists of the growing requirements and stuff for all the vegetables I'm growing. Referencing seed packets/books the entire time would make me annoyed. This way it's all in one spot.

At the end, I was left with a mess....but hey, that's to be expected!

Hopefully soon I'll have pictures of my little seedlings to share.
<3

Hottness of the Week: Blake Lively

2009-03-24T13:27:00.000-05:00

I love Blake Lively. I think she was first brought to my attention in the first Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie. Specifically the soccer camp scenes. Granted, she looks a little young, but I was 17 or 18 when the movie came out...

Currently she is starring in the CW series Gossip Girl.

She also looks good on the red carpet!

And the beach...

And in this white micro dress...
<3

Salt

2009-03-23T12:01:00.002-05:00

We rented the movie Salt the other night.

Amazon.com description: What begins as a childish prank quickly devolves into protracted murder. When the true nature of an abusive husband's twisted extra-marital relationship is revealed to his all too innocent wife, she then begins to have an affair with his sister. Together, the two women plot the ultimate revenge, and the stage is set for sexual manipulation, violence and terror.

From the description on the back of the case, it seemed like it was going to have some hott lesbian sex and a decent plot.

WRONG.

No lesbian sex. There was one kissing scene that was really intense and hott but no sex. There were some funny lesbian related jokes.

The plot was really confusing and weird. Maybe I'm just not intellectual enough or something, but mostly it was just really disjointed and I'm still not sure what happened at the end.

I would not recommend this movie....unless you'd like to watch 83 confusing minutes just to see a 30 second kissing scene.

What is it with gay girls and purses?

2009-03-22T11:21:00.000-05:00

Well? A lot of gay girls hate to say the word purse. They don't carry a purse.

Messenger bag? Yes
Tote? Yes
Bag? Yes
Purse? No!

I know there are exceptions and more femmey girls are more likely to say purse, but I know a few lesbians who regularly wear skirts but refuse to say purse.

"It's NOT a purse!!! It's a bag!"

What gives?
<3

Spring is Here!

2009-03-21T09:42:00.002-05:00

I just looked at the weather report. It's supposed to stay in the 60's for the rest of the extended forecast. There are even a few days in the 70's and 80's soon. Spring has arrived.

Spring takes the honorary position of my favorite season! When it starts getting warm all kinds of great things happen.

First, it's the open of my unofficial drinking season. St. Patty's Day through mid October is the time of year I indulge the most in alcohol. BBQ's, pool parties, the occasional sporting event: all great reasons to relax with a drink.

My other favorite thing about spring is tank tops. I love girls in tank tops! Boobs. Shoulders. Arms. Breasts. Waists. Collarbones. Did I mention boobs? I really like looking at girls in tank tops...and wearing them.

Why do you love Spring?
<3

Girl Crazy

2009-03-20T09:09:00.001-05:00

I am girl crazy. I'll be the first to admit it. Everywhere I go I see hott girls. I flirt all the time (to various degrees).

Sometimes Kara gets a little worried about it. I guess it's understandable but she really has nothing to worry about. I love her. I want her and only her.

So what's the harm of looking?

She doesn't want our mutual friends thinking I am not committed to her or that I'm looking for a new gf or something like that. I would assume they all know that. I talk about her all the time! Kara, Kara, Kara.

What do you think? Is there any harm in looking?

<3

Hottness of the Week: Eliza Dushku

2009-03-19T07:27:00.000-05:00

I have only recently discovered Eliza Dushku, the star of the new show Dollhouse on Fox. She was also in a lot of other stuff including Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Tru Calling. Needless to say I missed those...

What do you think?

I'm a fan of her arms.

And mouth....

<3

Shane burned down Wax????

2009-03-18T18:49:00.004-05:00

Ok...so I just watched the latest interrogation tape on the Showtime website. In case you missed it, they are posting one every Monday until everyone's tape is up.

This week was Shane's video! The gist of the shocking part of the conversation:

Shane: I think I knew everything about her. (talking about Jenny)
Cop: Did she know everything about you?
Shane: What's the statute of limitations on arson?
Cop: 1 year
Shane: That's not very long
Shane: About 18 months ago I burned down my business.

WHATTTTTTTTTT!!! I thought Paige burned down Wax? When did Shane have time for that? She is such an emotional cutter sometimes. Wow wow wow.

Thoughts?
<3

St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T15:48:00.003-05:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my and Kara's first kiss!

I went out for St. Patrick's Day and needed a ride. Kara, the charming gal she is, picked me up. Then we drove around and ended up making out.

Win!

<3

Help! The Midwest is ruining my gaydar!

2009-03-15T06:27:00.001-05:00

Wouldn't it be nice if you had a real life gaydar gun?

Usually when you're trying to figure out if a girl is gay, you look at a few things.

clothes
hair
fingernails
accessories
presence of any rainbow gear
general look/demeanor

The problem is, in the midwest this is not always so effective and it's really negatively affecting the development of my gaydar. Don't get me wrong, my gaydar isn't that bad but it could use some work.

Anyways, the problem is the midwest. I've decided. Soccer moms (or softball moms, or basketball moms, etc....because soccer isn't that popular in this particular area) look a lot like lesbians. You know the type I'm talking about. Short hair. Northface pullover. Tennis shoes/hiking boots. Most often seen at a sporting even. Usually this would be a pretty good indicator. Unfortunately this is how the soccer mom crowd dresses here too. They all have these really dikey haircuts and clothes...and are always seen with a gaggle of equally dikey looking women, but then their kids coming running up to hug them and ask where dad is. Failure.

Then you see some really butchy woman in carpenter jeans, boots, and a flannel shirt. Gruff voice. Sort of like Weezie (the carpenter doing the remodel in Season 6 of the L Word). Really exactly like her. She breaks the gaydar gun! Then her husband walks in and there is a five minute embrace and a talk about cattle.

What gives? What's a baby lezzie to do? How am I ever supposed to tune my gaydar when everywhere I turn, straight women are regularly dressing like gay women? Help!
<3

Changing friendships

2009-03-14T07:01:00.001-05:00

My friend Jennifer posted a lengthy post on her blog about me and how our friendship has changed since I came out. Quote from her post...

I feel like.. I am sad that she is a lesbian, kind of. I love you Dazzle. I am sad because.. I feel like you are different now. You have a whole lot of different thoughts and you're part of a different community and you talk about it and I feel like I don't really have a lot of interest and you are gay.. So you are in on all the gay people things. Like you're a stereotypical gay person now or you're trying to be and it's weird because thats not you as I know you? Hmm. It is strange to me because.. I know you and you're pretty legit awesome and I don't feel like you should have to struggle to fit in with that community.. Or feel less about yourself because you're not just like them? (I don't know, that's just the sense I get.) You should be who you are. You were the cosmo reading, sex loving chick that's always rocking the amazing hair. You can still be that girl while also being the starbucks working, lesbian in a long-term relationship who is afraid of graduating from college.

It's really weird hearing all of those things from her. I think part of it is that we didn't talk very much between the May and December, and during that time I changed a lot and she sort of missed it.

A lot of our friendship involved talking about sex (with men). That's sort of how it started. When I was dating men, I talked a lot about sex with them. I am a very sexual person and I just couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy it more...so I overcompensated and talked about sex all the time. I could probably write a book about sex and relationships with men. Maybe that's really weird. I'm not sure.

So now I think she feels like we have less to talk about. To an extent that's true. She doesn't have much interest or need to know about lesbian sex. It's not really the kind of sex she has so she can't really file it away into her sex info/advice folder. But I still know everything I used to know about having sex with men. I can still give really solid advice about relationships. I'm still available for all of those conversations we had before.

Also I think there are a couple of things that she just doesn't really understand. Frankly, I think it's a big McWaste of time to read Cosmopolitan if you aren't having sex with men. The whole magazine is 50,000 different ways to please his penis. Which doesn't really apply so much to my life...

Idk. I am still me. I'm still the same. But also I'm different.

I feel like coming out is like High School...or at least a little like it. In high school, you sort of define who you are, who you want to be, what's important to you. You do a lot of dreaming and planning and hoping. You find role models and try to emulate them. And that's kind of how coming out feels to me. Like I'm trying to figure out all over again who I am and who I want to be. My whole self perception just keeps changing and well...it's a process.

I guess I just never really expected my friendships to change, but if the things I do and think about change so much, then that's bound to carry over into everything else, including friendships.

<3

Family on Facebook???

2009-03-13T16:16:00.004-05:00

A few days ago, my Aunt whom I haven't seen since I was nine added me to Facebook. I barely know here or much about her family, yet immediately I sort of panicked. She's going to know that I'm gay.

Things going through my head: Why do I even care? Like I said, I don't even know the lady. Still, she's related to me and I don't know her very well. I want her to have a good impression of me. Should I message her and say, hey btw I'm gay. No. Stupid. Obviously she'll just read it on my profile. Is she going to hate me? Why do I care again? She's from Utah. Do people in Utah like gay people? Why would her living in Utah having anything to do with her opinion of my gayness. Why do I even care?

After I stopped being drama, I realized that she is an adult and if she's not able to deal with my being gay, then I don't really want to make friends with her anyways. Then there's the part where I had no relationship with her before, so it's not like I would experience a loss of any kind. Everything is going to be fine. Hopefully she's going to be fine with it and I'll get to know more about a side of my family that I don't really associate with much.

Final thought: If any of my other relatives join facebook, I have resolved not to freak out about it or go to any extreme measures to hide my gayness from them. This is who I am. It's not going to change. Most of them will find out eventually.

<3

I want a tattoo

2009-03-12T20:38:00.004-05:00

I was just reading this post on Card Carrying Lesbian about tattoos.

I have been having a LOT of tattoo lust lately. I just really want a tattoo.

Things I'm considering:

A white tattoo. I really want a white tattoo at some point, probably a word or phrase on my wrist. I know that this was sort of made popular by Lindsay Lohan (gross) but I think it looks really cool. Check out the white ink tattoo flikr group...and then you will want one too!
A rainbow tattoo. Because I'm a big gaymo and I just want one. I'm not specifically sure of a shape or something...but I don't really think I just want a plain rainbow.
Stars. Overdone? Yes. Really mainstream? Yes. Still I kind of want a star tattoo. Maybe on the back of my neck?
<3>

Random side note. For awhile I was really obsessed with the idea of having my nipples tattooed (and the area around them somewhat) so that they looked star shaped. I saw this on Suicide Girls once (I know, the site is shit and treats the models badly, but I didn't know that then) and it looked really amazing. At first I thought they were pasties or something but no, they were definitely tattoos. Since then I've calmed down about the idea mostly because I'm afraid of the pain that might cause. Also I want to breastfeed someday and I'm not sure how safe that is.

<3

Big Brothers Big Sisters Interview

2009-03-11T17:53:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been feeling the need to give back to the community and do some volunteer work.

In high school I did a lunch buddy type program called Youth Friends (YF). Basically you eat lunch once a week with an elementary student who needs a mentor for some reason. I loved it. My YF lived with her gay dad and his bf. In a town as small as the one I grew up in it's pretty unheard of but she was pretty well adjusted considering the shit she took on a regular basis. Anyways I had a really good experience and really got a lot out of it (including a dvd player in a raffle that I still use lol).

A month or so ago I filled out a really long application for Big Brothers Big Sisters (BBBS). Then the girl who works there told me about how they do a home visit. I live with my gf and this is Missouri. I got really worried that I was going to be rejected because I am gay. So I fired up my laptop and googled BBBS. Then I found links to lots of homophobes having a fit about their policy of not discriminating against people based on sexual orientation. Win!

So BBBS likes the gays. I am thrilled. My interview and home visit will probably happen in the next couple of weeks.

Only there's one thing...how do I bring this up? I am not generally a fan of just blurting out "hi I'm gay" to relative strangers but from the website I gathered that the kids parents
can opt out of letting their kids have a mentor that is gay. So how are they supposed to know? I am not at all interested in spending several hours a month with a kid that I need to hide my sexuality from.

Also do I need to "de-gay" my house? There's a rainbow flag on the fridge and a few other things. Mostly I'm going to go with no. Obviously I will make sure the alcohol is put away and the erotica is out of sight but I don't think hiding who I am so I can do volunteer work is for me.

I just need to stop worrying about this...I'm sure everything will be fine.
<3

Hottness of the Week: Sarah Shahi

2009-03-10T21:13:00.002-05:00

In honor of the last episode ever of The L Word this week's hottness is none other than Sarah Shahi, also known as Carmen on the show.

Oh Carmen, you had me at hello in those red underwear!

Hottest sex scene in the entire show.

My detachable showerhead is named after Carmen...and this is why.

Lust.

Frustration over not coming out sooner

2009-03-07T14:05:00.001-06:00

I was 20 years old when I came out. I realize that lots of people come out much later in life than me and it's getting more common every day. I know that I wasn't really that old, but I just feel a little frustrated sometimes that I didn't come out sooner, not even to myself.

I just lived for 20 years without knowing who I really am. In high school people were suspicious that I was a lesbian. I didn't date. I wasn't very interested in boys. I had lots of very close friendships with other girls. My family was concerned. I mostly just thought that people were trying to start rumors (I grew up in a very small town) and ignored them all. I never gave it much thought.

As early as the beginning of high school, the majority of my sexual fantasies involved women. 95% of my sexual dreams involved women. Later in both of my relationships with men I told them that I was interested in having sex with women. I thought it was normal. Curiosity.

I don't know if I was in denial or what but it really just never occurred to me that I could be gay. I knew a small handful of gay people, mostly men. I was friends with the two gay boys at my school. I certainly had nothing against people who were gay.

Maybe I just couldn't deal with it. I had a lot of things going on in high school including an eating disorder and a really chaotic home life. I kept myself really busy, immersed myself in activities.

Even in college I didn't really think much of it. Once I tried to have sex with a friend when I was drunk but rejection happened and I just wrote it off as drunk college life. I was in a 2 year relationship with a guy that I didn't really love or even like that much...not to mention was not at all sexually attracted to.

Idk...I just feel like I should have known sooner, like I should have known myself better than that.

<3

My Dad..

2009-03-06T17:28:00.003-06:00

So...my dad just texted me "hey what's your schedule on Sunday? let's have lunch." Ugh. I know, he's my father, I love him...and I should want to have free food with him on Sunday after I get off work....BUT he drives me nuts.

Mostly I just feel like he's really uncomfortable with my sexuality and it's this big elephant in the room every time we're together. My coming out conversation with him was more than a little uncomfortable.

Me: Um so there's something I should tell you.
Dad: Shoot.
Me: Well, I'm a lesbian...and mostly I wasn't going to tell you about it until I was in a really serious relationship and you needed to know about it, but apparently Robbie (brother) has been running around spouting off things like, "Everyone thinks Cassie's so perfect but she's a LESBIAN!" I just didn't want you to find out like that, because well that's pretty shitty. And anyways, yeah...now you know.
Dad: Well, it's your life and I can't really tell you what to do with it.
Me: Yeah...I guess so. I dunno I just didn't want you to hear from someone else if that makes any sense.
Dad: I won't hold it against you.
Me: Cool...anyways I'm dating a girl that I work with and I'm happy.
Dad: I see.

Basically after that I steered the conversation away from the subject and we really haven't discussed it since (almost a year ago). He's met Kara. It was one of the most awkward things ever. He was polite but didn't really say anything.

On the handful of occasions where I've seen my dad and Kara was with me, he has completely ignored her but in a sort of non-confrontational way. Also when I mention her in conversation he pretends it never happens.

I guess this post is mostly just to vent about the way he acts about it. Mostly it's just ignored so I don't really have any idea how he feels about it. For all I know he may think that it was just a phase that I've already outgrown??? I'm assuming not since I have mentioned Kara a few times and once he went to her store and asked her if she knew where I was.

*sigh*

Parents can be so fun...

<3

What is it with gay girls and hand touching?

2009-03-06T07:34:00.001-06:00

Hand touching is such a lesbian thing to do. Think about it. How many times have you flirted with a girl and subtly brushed your fingertips across hers? How many times has that cute girl at Starbucks let her fingers linger on yours as she hands you your coffee? What about the intense interlocking of hands before making out with your new girlfriend? You know, with the little power struggle that ends up with someone pressed against the wall?

Hand touching is one of the most discreet ways to flirt with another woman. If your gaydar has failed you (or you like flirting with straight girls...and hey, who doesn't?) then your "victim" is unlikely to think much of it. If she even notices then she'll probably assume it's an accident. And if she does notice, well chances are it's because in the past she's done a little hand touching herself. Throw in a little eye contact, a smile, a wink, whatever it is that you do, and you should be able to make your point. If you've never heard of this you should try it. Specifically if you work in an industry where you would hand something to someone (money, food, clothing) or you can find a way to pick up something that your crush has dropped.

Bonus: Guys don't know about this. I don't know if they missed the memo or if it's just too creepy to have some random guy touch your hand but the only man who has ever touched my hand in a flirtatious manner was some weird salesman...

<3

Why are men still buying me drinks?

2009-03-05T11:07:00.000-06:00

When I was confused and still thought I was straight, guys bought me drinks. I get it. I was putting off some straight girl vibes at a bar and they thought they could get laid. So they would have some cheesy pickup line and offer to buy me a drink. I was not so much interested in sleeping with them, but like any good alcoholic I spouted off my drink of choice (Jack and diet coke at the time) and enjoyed.

Imagine my surprise when a guy bought drinks for Kara (gf), Alanna (friend), and I at the local gay bar the other night. About halfway through the night we made friends with a gay boy named Richard. He was sort of a pretentious ass but he kept buying us drinks so it was something I could overlook.

A week or so later Nate, a gay boy who works with me, bought drinks for several people at a birthday dinner I was at, Kara and I included.

Confused face.

I've been friends with lots of gay boys and never did a single one of them ever offer to buy me a drink when I was "straight". So do gay boys only buy drinks for lesbians? Were these special circumstances? Twice in one month...I just find it a little odd. Men who have absolutely no chance of getting laid and don't even want to have sex with me are buying me alcohol.

I guess I just need to accept that they were being nice people? Or perhaps that they were trying to impress someone else? Or feel a part of my group?

Whatev. I'm not complaining.

<3

Roommates

2009-03-04T18:09:00.003-06:00

Roommates. The term drives me crazy.

I know in some circles "roommate" is code word for girlfriend/partner/lady lover who lives with you. I know that when you are trying to introduce your live in girlfriend to your great grandma (who you are not out to) it's easier to say roommate. I know that sometimes when people don't know what to say or feel uncomfortable saying girlfriend/lover/wife/etc they just say roommate.

I know. I get it. I understand the need. I've used the term before myself (the grandma scenario). Still it drives me insane!

It irritates me most when people are uncomfortable and don't know how to classify our relationship out loud. It just makes me feel awkward and weird and dirty.

Maybe I am asking for to much from people. Maybe I should just get over it. Maybe not.

<3

Hottness of the Week: Pink

2009-03-03T20:30:00.007-06:00

Pink is hott. This particular photo makes me wish she were gay. Well really any photo, but especially this one...

Seriously. Sooo fucking hott!

Also, in case you missed it, she makes out with and grinds against herself in her latest music video, Sober. It's about the middle of the song if you find yourself wanting to fast forward through the video like I do. It starts about 2:20 if you are really impatient.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPhBiddzWjc

And one last pic just because!
<3

What is it with gay girls and Christian college?

2009-02-27T15:13:00.002-06:00

Seriously? There are two Christian colleges in the (smallish) city I live in. Can I just say how many "straight for Jesus" girls there are that go there. Maybe it's just a midwestern thing, but the "straight for Jesus" crowd kills me.

What do I mean by "straight for jesus"? You know those girls (and guys) that are just obviously gay. They set off your gaydar from a mile away.

Suspect Checklist:
-mens jeans (check)
-wallet in back pocket (check)
-faux hawk (check)
-never spotted with a man (check)
-very, very close with female "roomate" (check)
-intense eye contact and lots of hand touching with women (check)
-all around lesbian vibe (check)

Then you get online to check out her facebook status...because you are a stalker...

Education: Bible College
Interested in: Men

Then you check out her facebook photos, just to see how much she loves men....and there are absolutly NO pictures of her within 5 feet of a man.

I'm just saying.

To quote a friend, "The Jesus in Missouri is really hardcore." I understand that for these girls it is essential for them to stay closeted. They would be kicked out of college and possibly lose their friends and the support of their families. Still...it really, really sucks. What sucks even more is that I'm certain some of them will end up settling for a relationship with a man to please their families and religious communities. It's sad that people are not more accepting.

An introduction is in order

2009-02-25T13:25:00.002-06:00

Right. So I never really formally introduced myself or anything and I've been thinking about how it's probably necessary.

So my name is Cassie. I'm a 21 year old lesbian. I have been out for about a year. It's both harder and easier than I ever thought. I have an amazing, fantastic, gorgeous, girlfriend. Her name is Kara. I could go into more details about her being super but I'll spare you the vomit factor. Know that she's awesome. We live together in a little one bedroom apartment that is constantly a mess.

I live in Missouri (and no not anywhere that could ever be considered a cool part of Missouri). I think Republicans outnumber everyone else 3 to 1. So I live in Republican central, Bible Belt, USA. It's fantastic (and by fantastic I mean why the hell do I still live here?) Fred Phelps practically lives next door. In order to get into my current apartment I had to imply that I loved Jesus a lot...that's all I'm saying.

I grew up in an even smaller and more conservative town in Kansas. The coolest thing about Kansas is The Wizzard of Oz is set here. You can visit various Wizzard of Oz themed towns in Kansas. I have visited a yellow brick road. There may be embarassing pictures of that somewhere. Also I know all about Kansas history if anyone needs to know something for trivia purposes.

I work as a barista at a corporate America coffee shop. The company I work for likes the gays. That's good. The job is fine. There are lots of interesting customers who say lots of really weird things. I've also got most of a college degree in Commercial Graphics. I have one class and an internship left. Then I will have a degree. I should get on with that...but well procrastination is cheaper and less terrifying.

Ta da. An introduction.

Hottness of the Week: Jillian Michaels

2009-02-24T19:37:00.009-06:00

How on earth did Jillian Michaels get so hott? Seriously?

I love girls in vests!
She is also rumored to be a lesbian. I can't find 100% confirmation but I think it's pretty obvious and so does everyone else. Also she owns a gym with Jackie Warner...come on!
Want. To. Fuck.
Jillian on a motorcycle=lust

Who hates Ellen?

2009-02-23T10:24:00.004-06:00

Seriously! Who are these people? Can you really hate this face?

I'm working at the coffee shop. This conversation really happened:

Me: Who's your favorite talk show host?
Them: *confused*
Me: You know, talk shows? Mine is Ellen.
Them: Oh.....(someone I've never heard of)
Me: Hmmm...I've never really heard of him. I'm sorry.
Them: If you like Ellen, you probably wouldn't have.
Me: *shrug* I guess not. *hand off coffee*
Them: Have you ever heard of _____?
Me: No
Them: ______?
Me: No....
Them: Rush Limbaugh?
Me: Oh, yeah. I've heard a couple of his interviews before....
Them: He's amazing
Me: *runs to back room and gags*

Seriously though, I didn't even think it was possible to hate Ellen!

This is what I get for living in a city that ranks in the top 20's on the "highest percentage of republicans" list.

Can't. Handle. It.